June 21, 2010

Tips For The ConDems.

If you truly seek change, start by reading this, Davey, Nicky, Georgie, and the other 647 of you.

Before you start, remember this vital fact: YOU have no money. The government has no money. The state has no money. ALL the money you use is OURS. Got that?

Then you can begin.

Want to "save" us some of our money?

Cut these from the public tit forthwith:

1. ALL EU contributions. The experiment failed. Get us out. Now.

2. ALL charities. They are not charities if they can only survive on taxpayers "donations".

3. ALL "climate change" initiatives. Its all bollocks. The only people who haven't yet realised that, is you lot.

4. ALL quangoes. No exceptions. Fire them all.

5. ALL promises made by DFID. Let's fix our own house before we fix the neighbours'.

6. Get ALL of our foreign based troops home. They should be used in a defence role only.

Want to make the country a better, cleaner, healthier place?

Do the following and watch it improve dramatically.

Insist that everyone who can work from home, does so.

This will:

1. Reduce pollution (Both on the roads and at the work place).

2. Solve the traffic problem and reduce wear & tear, saving even more of OUR money.

3. Reduce, (by default), road fatalities and injuries.

4. Require us to replace our cars less often. Lower insurance AND taxation?

5. Reduce work-place related stress, and almost overnight reduce the number of road rage incidents.

6. Allow us to get rid of several thousand traffic cops. And those damned cameras. (The cops can hit the beat again, instead).

7. Solve the homeless problem. Stick 'em all in the newly emptied offices. Now that they have "fixed abodes" they can get work. Less benefits paid, everyone wins.

8. Save us taxpayers billions in lost productivity and will reduce the NHS bill. All those selfish bastards who take colds and 'flu into the workplace to "share" around will no longer do so.

Want to deliver that "freedom" you harped on about before the election?

1. Scrap ALL statutes. They were only invented to generate revenue. You don't need the money anymore.

2. Make every human being responsible for his/her own actions. (A shocker, I know).

3. Gaol only those people who have caused harm, loss, or injury to other human beings. (Gaol for non payment of illegal Council Tax, or FPN's, or other victimless "crimes" is not an option).

4. Remove 99% of the mindless signage all over our buildings and on our streets. We are not children. If someone falls into an "unsigned" river, they drown. They will only make that mistake once. End of problem.

5. Fire yourselves. We do not need,  nor can we afford, 650 people to rubber-stamp all legislation/regulation from Europe. No Europe = no need for you. And, now that we only have one law to administer, we also no longer need "Law-makers". We certainly don't need, nor want, the 7 million hangers on in the civil service. Without you lot to work for, their raison d'etre is no more.

6. Get rid of every radical Muslim you come across. You know where they are. We are not finding Lord Lucan here. They shout their hate-ridden bile through a 10,000 watt speaker system every Friday. Send them back to a society that welcomes their hate speech. And if their "own" countries don't want them, why should we have them?

7. Fire every single power-crazy PCSO. Basically, all of them. If they aren't good enough to be real coppers, then they aren't good enough to pretend to be.

That's it, Davey, Nicky, and Georgie. Do this and we will be back on track in weeks, not years.

I think I can say without fear of contradiction that you will not use a single suggestion.

How can I make that prediction with such utter conviction?

No balls. No balls at all. None of you.



I am Stan said...

Yo Capitan,


Nothing to fear but fear itself....:)

WV-crackeda....sister of the Cracken perhaps?.....

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks Stan.

The cuts tomorrow are either going to be brutal, or they aren't.

It is high time they got nasty. Let us have the pain, and then we can get on.


Angry Exile said...

Lots to like there, Cap'n, but there's just a couple of things.

2nd bit, no.6, getting rid of several thousand traffic cops. IIRC the numbers of traffic cops went down as all those fucking speed cameras went up, and in similar numbers. I think I heard halved since the early 90s. Get rid of several thousand and you'd be left with one elderly chair polisher who remembers the good old days. Decent traffic cops are worth their weight in gold and far more useful than a camera. The ideal detector is a speed detector but a dickhead driver detector, and that comes in a blue suit and has a donut habit, and remember that one of 'em caught the Yorkshire Ripper. I'd put the numbers back up to pre-camera era levels. And fire each and every PCSO if they can't/won't make it as a real copper as your 3rd bit, no. 7.

3rd bit, no. 5. The sentence "Fire yourselves" appears to be missing the words "set" and "to".

Witterings from Witney said...

Love it CR - game on as they say!

Appreciate it a tad 'tongue in cheek' but oh so true!

Interestingly the word validation was 'prock' - methinks where the political elite are concerned - wrong vowell in the validation word!

Captain Ranty said...

Au contraire, mon amis.

I mean every single word.

Let's face it, it would do for a start......

And yes, they're all procks.


Captain Ranty said...


I have never met a decent traffic cop. Mind you, I have only ever encountered two of them. So 100% of them that I have actually had to deal with have been officious bastards. I did sort of "meet" a third one. I was doing 90 mph on the M62 and he appeared out of nowhere, cruised alongside me for a brief time, nodded, then fucked off at the speed of sound. Obviously a pub was open, somewhere.

I know a few good coppers though. I refuse to believe that they are all bad 'uns.

As for suggesting that the new lot self-immolate, it's too early for that, surely?

Then again, by this time tomorrow I may have changed my mind.

All depends on Georgie.


microdave said...

Not entirely in agreement with the working from home bit. Twats trying to sell you something you don't need are not "working" wherever they are. And there is quite a lot of evidence to show that people working in isolation often suffer more stress than when surrounded by others.

And we, as a country, desperately need to start MAKING things again, instead of importing them from China. This generally requires factories, so there will still be a need to travel.

But these are minor points, and in general I fully agree with your suggestions.

I might just pass this on to my MP....

Witterings from Witney said...

md, save the effort - he/she hasn't the gumption to know what to do with it!

Captain Ranty said...


Agree on manufacturing. We need to be making things again. Things like piano wire. And sturdy lamp-posts. Those workers have to go to the factory, of course. But there must be millions who could, and would, leap at the chance of working from home. I have done it since 2004 and I would never take a job where I had to drive into an office. It suits me down to the ground.

Of course, it isn't for everyone.

I find it less stressful. I can avoid office sickness, office politics, and since I hate driving, I can avoid all the twats on the road.

Bit of a cheap shot there Dave, having a go at those call-centre workers in Delhi and Joburg....:)


Barry the Jackal said...

No balls - but, on the plus side, no Ed Balls.

Captain Ranty said...

Indeed Barry.

There are times when we really must count our blessings....


EG said...

Once again I salute you!

If only the politicians weren't part of the problem and if only they weren't incredibly reluctant to give way their access to the eu trough everything might be ok?

Still i agree with your sentiments pretty much 100%


Captain Ranty said...

Thanks EG.

My proposals are harsh, but fair.

Sometimes we need to look inwards. How can we fix problems at home when we are busy shovelling £13 BILLION over the fence to our neighbours?


EG said...

as you know the whole thing is an illusion and a farce, if only more people were aware of that or could see past the box in the corner things might progress. Unfortunately like in the U.S with the federal bank/s there will always be greedy individuals who are willing to sell out their fellow man for the promise of eternal riches.

all the best

Uncle Marvo said...

Well, it's a start!

Captain Ranty said...

Aye Marv, I held back.....


Unknown said...

What about cutting back on the number of politicians, councillors and members of the house of lords? Also how about abolishing town councils altogether (as suggested in Ireland) and reducing the number of mayors and their support staff.

Captain Ranty said...


I did suggest that MPs, as part of the Ranty Austerity Measures, fire themselves forthwith. Naturally, if we don't need them, we don't need the HoL either.

Once they are gone, we will need our town halls to run our cities, towns and villages, but I would suggest a 75% reduction in staff and ONLY elected mayors and police chiefs in office.

There is so much we can do to reduce big government. As long as we have big government we will be forced to pay huge sums to support them.

Cut out big government and by default you cut out billions and billions of £££'s of waste.


Anonymous said...

I must have missed the bit about shutting down the BBC and selling it to the private sector?

Captain Ranty said...


It's a fair cop. I missed that one.

It may be because I gave up the telly some time ago. All over the Blog O'Sphere I read about how bad it is yet they all still watch it.

But yes. I agree. Flog it off.


Anonymous said...

Bravo! Especially home working - very clever thinking.

That ConDem coalition said...

We're hanging on every word.

Captain Ranty said...

"We're hanging on every word."

I wish that were so.


Corrugated Soundbite said...


Fucking spot on (I missed the Beeb one as well - the TV has been confined to the stair cupboard for quite a while).

That is all ;-)

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks CS.

That is enough :)


That ConDem coalition said...

Sorry. Forgot to add, pissing ourselves laughing.

Captain Ranty said...


I have no doubts on that.

That's what spineless wankers would do.


Angry Exile said...

"As for suggesting that the new lot self-immolate, it's too early for that, surely?"

Dunno. I just thought it might save some time.

Captain Ranty said...

Efficient, as ever, AE.

I like it.


Lion of England said...

Good stuff,but unfortunately we are surrounded by people whose brain does not extend beyond the Tv or the pub.
And our so called election the only change
there is the color of the Tie every one
of them would sell of their country to the highest bidder if it would keep them in power" BRING ON THE REVOLUTION."We must Educate our people.lets start by putting
all of the 640 into the stocks along the
mall and give the people a day of fun.