July 23, 2011

Dear Whitehall.....

I was delighted to read yesterday that you have instructed your minions to find ways to improve the nations happiness quotient.

I am equally delighted to offer you some suggestions. Please see the list below, which is not exhaustive, but will increase my personal happiness by a factor of 10,000 if all are achieved by say, next Friday.

In no particular order:

  • Leave the EU. Tear up ECA 1972.
  • Stop giving millions of £££'s to countries that run a space programme.
  • Cancel all cheques for foreign aid.
  • Buy aircraft for our carriers.
  • Retrain the police force so that they do not see every citizen as an uncaught criminal.
  • Scrap around 99% of those unnecessary statutes.
  • Reduce the size of government to two ministers-one for defence and one for foreign relations
  • Slam that immigration door. Round up illegals and deport them.
  • Sack hundreds of thousands of NHS mandarins. Employ cleaners instead.
  • Remove benefits for those indolents that refuse to work.
  • Take better care of our returning, injured service people.
  • Root out, and shoot, all paedophiles.
  • Reduce income tax to 5%.
  • Reduce the price of petrol to 10p per litre.
  • Rescind the smoker ban.
  • Delete any plans relating to the carbon tax insanity.
  • Build more power stations.
  • Cap the cost of electricity and natural gas.
  • Take better care of our young, our sick, and our elderly.
  • Privatise the BBC
  • Stop giving taxpayers money to "charities".
  • Stop, and I really do mean stop, interfering in our lives.

Got it?


This is only a start. I will have a new list for you when you have completed this one. My commenters here may have some additional suggestions. Read the comments and make them happy by doing as they instruct you.

Yours sincerely,

Captain Ranty (Retd).


steve said...

camoron, just resign, taking quisling clegg with you. Leave English forests alone, in fact leave England all together. Let English people have their own English parliament, like the other countries have in this so called democracy. That would be a start.

Anonymous said...

Remove the fingerprints and DNA from databases where the owners are innocent of any crime.

And stop the practice of taking children's fingerprints at school - it's abhorrent.

Joanne said...

Can't disagree with any of those! I would maybe write some of my own but I have a Cat sat on my lap, very difficult to use the keyboard!


GoodnightVienna said...

I'd like them to stop messing about with our Constitution on the sly and stop asking dumb questions such as 'What does it mean to be English/British?'

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks all.

I had dozens I could have added but I knew you lot would help out!


Caratacus said...

Very restrained Cap'n :)

Strip Mandelbum, Blair, Broon, Balls (and his dreadful wife Ophelia), Vaz, Campbell and Harman of all their worldly wealth and spend it on the bereaved families of service personnel sacrificed in Iraq and Afghanistan. The rest of their lives to be spent working for charity on the minimum wage.

In fact, stand fast on Campbell - just shoot the fucker...

Captain Ranty said...


You should have seen the first version. Made me blush and I wrote the fucking thing.

Everyone you mention will be gone in Phase 1. The hangers-on will have nobody left to hang on to.

It's a harsh cleaning session, but fair...


Anonymous said...

Ha Brilliant, just a couple off the top of my head.

Once you've left the EU try all involved for treason. and I mean all, yes Queeny too.

Withdraw from illegal unjust wars, and all pointless military intervention globally, and then try those at fault for war crimes.

Oh, a third before you can do the above sack the judiciary, we'll elect our own :)

No more lessens learned, heads on sticks thanks.


Anonymous said...

Forgot probably the most important one.

STOP borrowing money from private banking cartels at interest, we'll issue our own :) then try all involved for crimes against humanity.


Anonymous said...

Bloody brilliant Captain, let's all send 'em something!

In addition to the many above:

- Scrap the Intercept Modernisation Programme (or whatever the latest version is called).
- Scrap all RFID technologies and destroy anything they are already in, including but not limited to all credit/debit cards, Oyster cards and passports.
- Scrap all windfarms, as aside from the whole "green industry" they require National Grid backup anyway so are completely pointless.
- Ban all body-scanners at airports and cease immediately this loathsome intent to introduce facial scanning technology at Heathrow.
- Root out and deport all graduates, employees, trainers, agents, and representatives of Common Purpose.
- Uproot the City of London Corporation and seize its assets for the benefit of everyone else.
- Ban Peter Mandelson from existence, arrest Tony Blair (FFS, you have enough fucking reasons to do so), send Gordon Brown to the looney bin and make Ed Balls incapable of uttering a single word for the rest of his miserable existence. Actually, as we're talking about them, you can arrest Dave, Nick and Gideon for being lying bastards and the entire LibLabCon for being a bunch of self-interested treasonous scumbags.
- Scrap ACPO.
- Scrap all quangos.
- Scrap all political parties and associated organisations and root out the deep indoctrination of the false left/right paradigm from the minds of poltitical activists and the voters. Propery government does not need them.
- Prevent any "left wing activist" who has rich parents, a trust fund and/or a double-barrelled name from getting any airtime or publicity.
- Cancel the Olympics.
- Take back control of the currency from the BoE and international banksters, scrap fiat money and return us to the gold standard (or modern-day equivalent).
- Cease involvement in any IT program immediately, as you have never once been able to make them work or get them to hit budget targets.
- Strike off Crapita plc and all its subisidary companies.
- Build some more fucking roads FFS.
- Rebuild our manufacturing base.
- Strike off all commercial railway operators and modernise the network immediately so that it actually does what it's fucking supposed to do. And that DOES NOT include spending £30 billion on an unncessary high-speed rail link which is, in reality, an EU idea in the first place.
- Reform the Public Fool System so that it educates and no longer indoctrinates.
- Stop trying to make us believe the Work Programme is anything other than £2-per-hour slave labour for the corporate state. In fact, scrap it altogether.
- Remove all corporate influence from government, especially Google and any other US multinational.
- Ban lobbying in the Houses of Parliament.
- Scrap the IWF firewall and ISP filtering, so I don't have to keep forking out for a VPN or using TOR. In fact stop trying to control the Net because you can't, you'll always fail.
- Overhaul the copyright laws, as they are fucking ridiculous. Scrap the rights agencies whilst you're at it.
- Tell the USA to fuck off whenever it tries to extradite any UK citizen just for making them look stupid.
- Reform social services.
- Prevent those who have no understanding of our constitution or our history from being representatives, legislators and judges.
- Restore Grand Juries, and scrap equity and admiralty courts. Common law provides all we need to deal with actual crimes.
- Stop pretending that "it's for our own good" and credit us with some fucking intelligence, otherwise you might find a surprise or two on the way.

I could do this all day long.

This whole "happiness index" bollocks is straight out of the playbook of the Behavioural Insight Team. You may also find reference to "Action for Happiness", which is - can you guess?

Another front for Common Purpose!



Anonymous said...

While I agree with most of the list and the general idea behind it there are some suggestions which would have unintended consequences.

Reduce the price of petrol to 10p per litre
As a non driver I'll admit that the price of petrol isn't something I think about but searching on the web found this site about the price of petrol http://www.speedlimit.org.uk/petrolprices.html.
To quote from the site "Of the March 2011 price of 129.9p/litre, 80.6p or 62.9% went to the government (58.95p fuel duty and 21.65p VAT). The rate of duty was reduced by 1p per litre in the Budget on 23 March 2011, but any benefit from this has been cancelled out by further oil price rises." So 10p is less than the cost before taxes which would mean heavy government subsidies for petrol. I'm hoping that you meant reduce the tax on petrol to 10p per litre. Even this would be a huge drop in price which would lead to an increase in petrol consumption and as we now import more oil than we export would further increase our balance of payments deficit.

Build more power stations.
Do you mean the government or the private sector should build more power stations? If it's the government then you will need a minister of energy especially if if they'll have to deal with petrol subsidies as well. I'm hoping that you meant allow the private sector to build more power stations. This leads onto the final suggestion I wanted to comment on.

Cap the cost of electricity and natural gas.
Do you mean cost or price because I don't see how government can cap the cost of producing a unit of electricity or gas but they can and have mandate(d) a maximum price it's sold at.
Assume for simplicity that the market price is £1 per unit of energy. This will be the price where supply and demand match. Maybe some providers have a cost of 50p but they aren't able to meet all the demand so there are also producers who have costs of 70p and 90p. So a politician can come in and say look at this company charging £1 a unit when it only costs them 50p, the government will set a maximum price of 50p as that's all it takes to produce and all the voters can have cheaper bills. The evil energy companies complain but nobody cares. Once the price limit comes into effect the producers at 70p and 90p go out of business as they those money on every unit sold. This now means that there isn't enough supply to meet demand even though people would rather pay £1 than get nothing.
This situation has happened far more times than it should have when prices are set below the market rate and usually involve massive government intervention until they give up and leave the market to set the price. Government solutions can be subsidies, rationing where government decides who is most deserving or just taking over the industry and running it at a massive loss. These all involve bigger government and tax bills.
The cure for high prices is high prices as a period of high prices forces consumers to look for alternatives or ways to reduce usage. The profits also encourage existing companies to increase capacity and rivals to enter the market all increasing supply.The best thing the government can do is reduce the barriers to entry so new supply can come in and reduce the price naturally. In this example that would include allowing the building of more power stations.

I have no association with the following websites but I would highly recommend them for a better understanding of our economic situation


richard said...

Most of your proposals involve appealing to the State to give us back some of what they stole and are currently stealing. Your list is a begging letter to bullies.
They take our money and spend it on shite. That's the problem, or rather the problem is that we let them do it.

Anonymous said...

I think the simplest way that Whitehall could make us happy is for them to pack their little suitcases and leave the country.

Woodsy42 said...

Insist that all politicians and state employees who deal with the public, especially council enforcers and HMRC are made fully aware that they are employed by us and working on our behalf.
All dealings with the pubic should be polite, helpful, considerate and never contain threats of the type used by HMRC.

Twisted Root said...

You have touched on my specialist subject. I did several posts on Action for Happiness back in April.

Notice how casually they accuse us of being 'selfish' for not sharing their goals and wanting to continue to fund their fat taxpayer padded arses. This alone in any decent self-respecting society would be enough to result in them being physically dragged from their offices, tarred and feathered and sent packing.

These psychotic control freaks also have the audacity to concern themselves with our mental wellbeing. Is it any wonder a man is driven mad!

Derek said...

Fiatpete, you may be a non-driver, but all your food and transportation is affected by fuel costs. Everything we buy and consume, wear and watch, will have the cost of fuel directly related to the price of oil.

Many non-drivers in London claimed the Congestion Charge (get rid of that one) did not affect them, and that they wished it were higher. But it does, as everything that is brought into the town is brough by oil fuelled vehicle, even electric ones are reliant on fossil fuels at point of origin for construction and re-charging, and so that extar cost in Congestion Charge is directly passed on to the consumer - non-driver or no.

There's no free lunch - not even if you walk.

Derek said...

Joanne, give the cat the keyboard - I'm sure it will come up with plenty.

Sean O'Hare said...

Stop giving millions of £££'s to countries that run a space programme.

Cancel all cheques for foreign aid.

Surely one and the same!

Retrain the police force so that they do not see every citizen as an uncaught criminal.

Reduce the size of government to two ministers-one for defence and one for foreign relations

Little bit of a contradiction here. If you accept that we need a police force then we probably need some form of minister for them. Either that or elected sheriffs.

Reduce income tax to 5%

Objection. Abolish income tax entirely.

Otherwise Captain a fairly good list, but as you say only a start.

Dick Puddlecote said...

Shouldn't 'sit on your hands and stop passing fucking laws' be top of the list? ;)

Man With a Polish Wife said...

Abolish 20 mph zones. And all speed humps (but not raised junctions), pointless bus and cycle lanes, and other (generally enviromentally degrading) traffic reduction measures - especially elongated traffic light sequences...

And for casual readers who may say, "Please, what about the kids", just go and stand outside a school for the 30 minutes (total) at either end of the ~190 such days per year. It is organised chaos, and no speed limit is necessary as traffic can hardly move at these times.

For the remaining 99% of the time (do the maths yourself if you find it hard to believe), hoards of children aren't around, therefore, 20 mph zones here are not just pointless, they are vindictive and stupid.

Kingston Borough Council (London! has had one around every school for years now and this cancer is spreading all over the country, popping up as a small outbreak, and if not challenged spreads rapidly.

Currently there is no known cure, however, a healthy dose of realism and common sense can quickly be applied once our Country wakes from its MSM induced slumber, and this treatment can bring about remission.

Raphe said...

1. Round up anyone associated with measuring or implementing happiness quotient-based measures and ship them off to the British Antarctic Territory to ensure the welfare of the penguins.

2. Implement government based on the Belgian model of the last year or so, but much smaller.

3. Ensure that every lampost within a mile of parliament, or any government department, is the sort with a horizontal crossbeam and is provided with a few yards of strong hemp rope.

Anonymous said...

This is a post that has raised a lot of interest (understandably), we "normals" are not really miserable fuckers, even though we spend most of our blogging time, complaining!

I like your list CR and I love the list by TSL (Anonymous), but there is one thing on your list CR that I would not agree with… Namely: Rather than buying aircraft for our carriers, I woud rather scrap the carriers before they are built, and use any remaining funds to arm the ordinary folk, as in Switzerland… Give a central government dangerous weapons like armed aircraft carriers and they tend to want to use them.

An example of what happens in a well armed nation, is what has happened in Iraq, the most highly armed nation after Switzerland. The bully boys like Sadaam and the USA could not cow the real people. Of course it would be better if the tribes of Iraq could come to the same understanding as the tribes of Switzerland, but one can't have everything.

bollixed said...

Happiness Quota is just newspeak for the Frankfurt School (Marxist) measurement of despair intended to judge when the people are at their most compliant.

My arse twitched when I heard Tories talking about this.

I'll be happy when they all just fuck off and leave me alone to go about my lawful, peaceful life without constant harassment.

Note: the word verification asked me to type 'chletris'. (sniggers)

Anonymous said...

All of these ideas/ideals are great. Bring back common law and let the people of the land use it. Get rid of the rich and greedy and feed the needy.

Anonymous said...

*STOP Genetechnology; those you hide as well! (combining humans with animals)
*STOP animal torture for food- and other industry.
*STOP exploiting other countries, so they can own and eat of their own land.
(Africa etc)