March 05, 2011

Thank You, And Goodbye

For now.

I am heading here:

(Click image for enlargementation).

This is country No 75 for me. I do not brag. It is some sort of penance, about which I will learn when I cross the River Styx. I am, however, (as white as I am), half African. I love the people, the culture, the hookers, and the completely unstable beer. The risks are few: kidnap, rape, beheadment, the shits, and a bad hair-cut. But still, I love my job. I are lucky, I are. All this travel with the maximum affrontage to my dignity, pride, and my underpants. Some people would kill not to be me.

Following my stay in Douala, I am heading back to Lagos. The very thought engorges my "special area" and my lasting hope is that I return, to the bosom of my friends, both actual and virtual, disease free.

Next time you are on the underground, whining about a four minute delay, think of me, in this, every day for two weeks.

It would make me extremely happy if, somehow, you had discovered a way of killing every single MP and those twats that control them, in my absence.

Some say that I ask too much. I feel, howsomever, that you could do more. If you wanted to.

Meantime, old pals, and new, stay well, stay happy, and stay pissed.

Almost forgot the "Thank you" part.

Thank you, and I mean this most sincerely, (more sincerely than Hughie Green), actually:

(Click pic for engorgementationability)

21,608 mad bastards came to view my scribblings in February. Get help! Seriously. But thank you anyway. Because of your visits, we leapt 13 places to rank 48th on Wikio. (Whatever that means). First time in the Top 50 for us, so we must be making some sort of impact on some sort of people.

I do not, for one yoctosecond, imagine that it is my writing that draws the crowds, it is YOUR comments that brings them here, so thank you from the heart of my bottom.

Shit happens, always, so if I don't make it back from West Africa, avenge my death and shit.



PS-I am gone for three weeks. I will try to blog but it will depend on the quality of the interwebs in the hotels I am using. That, and the beer.


WitteringsfromWitney said...

Take care CR and bloody well make sure you return! You have unfinished business for me.......

Captain Ranty said...


I remember, old friend.

Return I will. I always do.


George Speller said...

Take a well-earned break, Cap'n. Come back refreshed and ready to lead :-)

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks George.

This is no break though.

I have to work!


Barking Spider said...

Rather you than me, CR, take care, mate - see you on here when you get back.

Spidey ;-)

Woodsy42 said...

And to think I always believed that the M25 was bad. You'll be 3 weeks getting through that!
But try and have fun between the work! Meanwhile we'll do our best, and hopefully will have a fully functional libertarian, locally based, statute free society waiting for your approval by the time you return.(Or we may not as the case may be)

Stealthmode said...

lol @woodsy - Have a good trip CR looks like your gona need some skills in that traffic!

Hurry back, gona miss your posts! :D

JuliaM said...

"It would make me extremely happy if, somehow, you had discovered a way of killing every single MP and those twats that control them, in my absence."

Working on it....

Bon voyage!

GoodnightVienna said...

Happy landings, CR. Regarding the 650 MPs, I confidently predict that you'll be disappointed on your return.

Caratacus said...

Not often I'm jealous Captain, but this is one of those times.

Still I can hardly complain, having packed a fair bit in over the years.. but even so :)

You enjoy every second my friend. Life is good.

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks for your good wishes folks!

I have a couple of items lined up so the screen won't be entirely blank.

And I might do a review of the bars in Douala for you. Just in case you ever get on the wrong bus and find yourself down there.


Anonymous said...

good trip mate. sun on yer face.
wind at your back and all that.cum back safe ranty. godsspeed

microdave said...

Take care, and if you do find somewhere on your travels that you don't want to come home from, let the rest of us know - we'll be over to join you!!

Demetrius said...

Have replied to your comment re the chemicals post. It was not about tobacco nor intended to connect. When I was in London in 1952 just after the smog it was clear that what killed so many wasn't cigarettes. Nor in the Army did Porton Down kill some of my comrades by giving them fags. Nor when my grandfather buried his comrades at Ypres was it the fags that did for them it was chlorine gas. Nor when I was brought back from that dead was it a quick smoke that did it. As "stuff" in the air, tobacco may have issues but they are nothing like as serious as others now or in the past.

Captain Ranty said...

Will, Anon, MD,



Captain Ranty said...


I was being sarcastic. I reread my comment this morning and thought I should have been clearer. Sorry!

I just find it uncanny that they (The Righteous) can always find a way of blaming cigarette smoke from ingrown toenails to the end of the world as we know it, and everything in between.


James Higham said...

From Cameron to Cameroon.

Enjoy those hookers.

Captain Ranty said...


I find them very entertaining! The last time I was approached I helped her to pick out an older, wealthier, more drunk guy than me.

Dodging bullets is fairly simple: you just stay out of the way. Dodging AIDS is slightly more tricky.

There are some risks I just don't want to take.

But I do have a few laffs with them there pretty working girls.


richard said...

Bon Voyage again. Take care. Don't forget to remind us what life is like in the free world.

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks Richard.

I'll post up some piccies if the hotel internet is good enough.


Mark Wadsworth said...

Good stats and good luck out there.

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks Mark!


Woman on a Raft said...

Way cool.

Paste up a photo if you get a chance. I love to see the exotic places other people get to.

Take care now.

Captain Ranty said...


From experience, I can tell you that almost nowhere in West Africa is exotic. I think even the inhabitants would agree with me there.

Life expectancy (in Cameroon) for males is 52, and for females, 55. I often wonder if it is this knowledge that makes them party so hearty. They have a great sense of humour and they are a joy to socialise with. (I know I have used a broad brush there, and no insult is intended).

I looked at pictures of the bar in my hotel (at their website) and I saw.....ashtrays! Yay!

They have these magical devices (some say it is witchcraft) called air conditioners which remove the excess smoke and no-one complains, ever.

And they have beer. Which will make a nice change from Libya. (I wonder if I will ever get back in there? If Gadaffi wins, my guess is no. He will hate us for daring to interfere and his punishment will be to stop us going in).

Watch this space for photo's.


Anonymous said...

CR, have a good trip matey. Bly veilig!


Captain Ranty said...


Dat wil ek doen, baie dankie meneer!

Mooi bly,


TheFatBigot said...

Remember to abide by their laws old boy. Here you can pretend some don't apply to you and the consequences are nothing more than financial (or a bit of chokey if you do it very clumsily), there they chop your willy off.

Hope to see you (all of you) back in the jurisdiction soon.

Angry Exile said...

Safe and successful trip, Cap'n.

Anonymous said...

Lawfull Rebellion Event

Anonymous said...

Hi Cap'n,

I've created a new blog and the Template Designer's broken, so what you see is what you get. I also can't remove the old follower from your follower list because I think that someone's hacked into my email account, thereby deleting my blog and taking over that identity. It's the only explanation why I can't access both. Blogger still haven't got back in touch yet, I'm still waiting by here's my new blog address:

My latest post is up called Culture?

The import of my blog only brought the posts and comments. All links, favourite blogs, articles on the web etc are all gone. It's starting from scratch again. LOL

Hope you're well.


P.S. This is a multiple post comment. I've got a few people to let know that my blog's changed place and name

Anonymous said...

lawful rebellion in action birkenhead 7th march.

Anonymous said...

NewsboyCap said...


Back from Birkenhead,great day as you can see from the vid's.Peaceful protest by everyone attending apart from you know who. We was threatened by a rabid beast on a lead,'if we didn't FUCKING move he would let the dog loose'.Met some very knowledgeable people many from your neck of the woods.And had the great pleasure of putting a face to your fellow blogger Suedenimon,a very sound chap indeed.Lets hope this is a tipping point for more powerful things to come,and maybe some policymen have been educated a little !!!
Have a good trip, safe return.

defender said...

NewsboyCap, well done for being there.
It has even reached EUreferendum, where, for over a year, I have been trying to get Lawful Rebellion some traction.
See here

Anonymous said...

See what you've done? Pop over to Max F. Ace

Just Woke Up said...

You missed the fun at Birkenhead. Judge arrested. Police not obeying the Law they are supposed to serve. Hundreds of peaceful and lovely people occupying a public building where fraud was taking place.

I was in the thick of the event. Got to say the boys in blue were great and the odd tip of the head, wink, and pat on the back communicated that by and large they supported what we were doing. They have children too.

A very inspiring prologue of what is to come and a loud a clear message sent. We have had enough corruption, lies, dishonour, and fraud. This is OUR land and we are not to be bought sold and herded like cattle. The PTB want our respect they have to earn it.

Hat off to those brave people who did what had to be done.

Captain Ranty said...


"Remember to abide by their laws old boy. Here you can pretend some don't apply to you and the consequences are nothing more than financial (or a bit of chokey if you do it very clumsily), there they chop your willy off.

Hope to see you (all of you) back in the jurisdiction soon."

Careful now! Someone will accuse you of being human!

For information, when I travel to foreign climes, I do so in the full knowledge that they have a set of laws that I must abide by. I have no problem with that: I have granted consent on entering THEIR country.

What I will not put up with is an unlawful, illegal parliament, a traitorous monarch and a compliant judiciary. (Which includes you).

You play the game by all means, Mr Barrister. We are not all you. We are not all drones. We are not all Borg.

As yesterdays events demonstrated clearly.

Be worried.

Be very worried.

Your day in the sun ends in tears. I guaranfuckingtee you.