April 06, 2010

Ranty's Manifesto

You are going to get these rammed down your throat for the next four weeks, so I thought I'd get mine in early.

Most politicians claim they need 100 days to effect change. I disagree. I need 100 minutes. That includes 1 hour for lunch, and two smoke breaks. And I am famous for skiving too. My plan is still easily achievable.

If I were standing, and if I were elected, these would be the things I did in the first 100 minutes:

1. Leave the EU. Using violence if called upon so to do. We get our country back. Number 1 Priority.

2. Repeal all statutes from 1997 onwards. (With a swift trip back to 1972 to rip up, burn, then shred, the European Communities Act).

3. Select one man/woman, to act as International Liaison. The other 645 are surplus to requirements.

4. All quangos are ended. No exceptions.

5. All charities that leech money from the government are ended. No exceptions.

6. All administrative, judicial and policing powers are devolved all the way down to your local town hall. However big or small it is. Town Hall leaders, judges, and police chiefs will be elected by the local populace.

7. All town halls given tax raising powers. Any that try to demand more than 10% will go to gaol. Local tax(from 3-5%) to replace VAT. Council Tax is gone. Road Tax is gone. Tax on fuel is gone. Tobacco Tax is gone. Alcohol Tax is gone. And any more that I can think of during my first smoke break.

8. All hospitals to lose at least 80% of their "Admin" staff. Power to be restored to matrons. (The ex-Admin staff will be offered minimum wage and handed wire wool and Dettol and will be instructed to get their buildings cleaned up. Any hospitals in which MRSA reappears will be charged with criminal neglect).

9. Armed Forces to be beefed up, to be well equipped, well paid, and cared for properly. They will assume a defence role only. We will only go to war if we are attacked on our own soil. We will retain a nuclear option. We have always been a nation with a bite like a rabid baboon. We will remind the world of this fact.

10. Referenda will be held in NornIreland, Scotland and Wales. If they want out, we shake them by the hand and wish them all the best. Same for the Cornish. And Birmingham.

You want justification? If you keep giving a bloated government money, it will keep taking and it will keep wasting it. It is axiomatic. Get rid of a big fat government and you get rid of the need for excessive taxation. Hospitals full of clerks do nothing for the patients. We have dedicated nurses and doctors, and they must be allowed to do what they do best: make sick people better. No more targets for them. If we have thousands of laws, people will, even purely by accident, transgress. Remove the plethora of statutes-no more crime. All statutes to be replaced by one law: Do No Harm. Fall foul of this one law and your retrained judge, and a jury of your peers, will decide your fate. Police? No targets other than to get boots on the ground. They will be retrained (by old school coppers) in their intended role as keepers of the peace.

Leaving the EU is as obvious as it is mandatory. Nuff said.

Quangos? Waste of money. Busy work, nothing more.

Charities? If they can only survive on government hand-outs (ASH for example) then they aren't charities, they are government departments. Too expensive to keep. They will be terminated. With extreme prejudice, if required. Stand on your own two feet or die. Simples.

I know, I know. I have missed out a fecking great pile of stuff. But the above will all be achieved before knock off on the first day. I will use the rest of the week to clean up all those other things that piss us off.

On the Friday I will retire. Job done.

Brits will then determine how their lives are run. If they want to lock horns over inanities in their town halls all day long, do it. Whatever lights your candle.

Oh. One more thing. You have to live with your decisions. However bad they are. It is called personal responsibility. Yes. It's back!

Me? I'll be down the Dog & Duck having a guilt-free smoke with a guilt-free pint and a guilt-free double cheeseburger and chips. If I die before the allotted time-span (according to some twat in a white coat), so be it. I won't be suing anyone, nosirreebob.

That's it.



microdave said...

Sounds pretty fair to me. However the only problem with proposals like these is what the f*** do you (we?) do with several million ex-bureaucrats?

There are quite enough people unemployed as it is!

Frank Davis said...

I'll vote for you!

Captain Ranty said...


I bet you next weeks pay that those millions are utterly miserable in their jobs anyway. My plan will force them to re-evaluate, retrain, and discover a happy place for themselves in the world. When people retain 85% of their salaries instead of giving 85% of their salaries to the government, the economy will be awash with opportunities.


Captain Ranty said...

Thanks Frank!

I'd take that vote, work like a man possessed (for five days), then hand it back with my gratitude!

If I get it all right, the only vote you need would be for your Selectman/woman, Mayor, Police Chief and your judge.

No more general elections. Ever.

And I would want paying. I would accept my own weight in tobacco.


John Pickworth said...

The tragedy is that a manifesto knocked up in jest is leagues better than the real ones about to be put in front of us!

For the first time in my life, there's nothing out there to vote for... I know what I want, what I believe this country needs but none of the parties are offering anything close.

JerryD said...

9. Armed Forces Beefed Up...

hmm...not sure about that one Captain. If you want to devolve power to the localities (judges, police etc) then armed militias is the way to go - people should be armed as a counter balance to the state.

I would also question if we actually need a standing army? The peace process in NI gets rid of a need for the army there, we are not going to be invaded by France (I don't think) and armies are useless against terrorists.

Apart from that - great Captain!

CrazyDaisy said...


Sensible on the whole, you forgot to bin DFiD! I agree with fake charities what a feckin rip off. Can u also get rid of the EBC and GMTV?


Captain Ranty said...

Yes, CD, yes we can.


Captain Ranty said...


I feel your pain.

The closest I can find is UKIP. They want to end my nightmare and get us out of Europe. That will do for a start.


Captain Ranty said...


I am happy with armed militias but I think we need a central command just in case anyone gets cheeky enough to have a pop at us.

Every Free Brit will have the right to arm and defend themselves.

Those who commit crimes against the people with weapons will be deemed outlaws. They will be hunted down and gaoled. If the PeaceKeepers cannot find them we will introduce bounties. In fact, Bounty Hunters will be a new industry. Illegal immigrants will be hunted and deported in much the same way. The intention would not to cause them harm, more to safely escort them to the nearest airport.


Uncle Marvo said...

@John Pickworth:

"... in jest ..."

He's not joking. Are you, CR?

Jesus H. Christ, you've got my vote, Cap'n. I think I've had a long nightmare and woken up somewhere wonderful.


"What do we do with several million bureaucrats?"

We do nothing. It's up to them to get a proper job. Why the hell should we fund their ineptitude and general uselessness?

Here's a broom. Work your way up. Also, there was a crapload of litter in the verges on my way to work today. You useless bureaucrats are meant to be using the money we donate you to put a stop to it. Here's a black bag each.



FIRST CLASS, Ranty! If I can't get this ALL round the internet by lunchtime there's something SERIOUSLY wrong with the electrons.

Snakey said...

Brilliant. I'd vote for you too. Can you also add in getting rid of fractional reserve banking and fiat currency? :) We need a currency backed by something real (gold) and for usury to be outlawed.

Uncle Marvo said...


Give him a chance. He's only on the first day. Surely he deserves a pint and a fag before he sorts out the world banking problem?

I am Stan said...

Yo Capitan,

Why Birmingham ?.....

Mrs Rigby said...

@ I am Stan

Why not?

All good Captain. Full speed ahead.

Whizzo Eureka said...

The millions of ex civil servants culled through the captain’s ideas would lead us toward a brighter future surely.

The reason I say this is that I constantly read that they are all exceptional candidates who possess the positives of talent, drive, passion and commitment and the desire to lead change through their innovative/creative abilities. In fact you very rarely hear the phrase sloth and evasiveness in any of their press releases.

Hang on, I’ve just woken up.

Back to reality as from this government Education, education, education is the mantra we heard on a regular basis. From that should come knowledge, understanding and wisdom? However the next incantation we normally hear from a government department after a colossally expensive cock up is “Lessons Learned”

Ergo if they want to learn the hard way, get rid of the government/civil service geniuses behind the failures and never employ the external consultancies who mesmerised them ever again.

Rewarding failure doesn’t work.

Uncle Marvo said...

@Mrs R:

Good point. Why not.

And what about Norwich?

I am Stan said...

Why not?

Well because its part of England...

Why Birmingham?

Uncle Marvo said...

Oh, all right. How about Milton Keynes, then?

:-> << unnecessary smiley

I am Stan said...

Oh...was it joke?..

If so I dont get it!

Captain Ranty said...

It WAS a joke Stan!

subrosa said...

I don't think you'd do well in Kirkcaldy though CR. ;)

Captain Ranty said...

No, I suspect not Rosie!

Oleuanna said...

'we get our country back'?

And then I bailed.... like the two fag breaks though...

Captain Ranty said...

I appreciate that our country may not be important to you, but no-one asked me if it was okay to give the whole package to the EU. It isn't okay. Not by a long fucking shot.

Thank you for wading through the first eight lines.

Top job.


LazyCookPete said...

Great post CR! Where do I sign...?

Unknown said...

Good stuff...when does your campaign start?

Captain Ranty said...

Drabzz, Graeme,

Sadly, I will not be taking this show on the road.

I live in a part of Scotland that has a puritan/masochistic streak embedded in the DNA. Somedays I genuinely think these folks like being beaten up by both Holyrood and Westminster.

They would hurl rotten fruit and under-cooked haggis at me.


Anonymous said...

You guys are such a bunch of commie pussies.

Let's try shut down the welfare state – and let people look after themselves. Historically the friendly societies and charities did a better job.

No state funding for schools since a) they're just a way of employing the intellectuals who might otherwise start thinking about the role of the state b) they're nothing but brainwashing and compliance factories.

No state funds for the NHS – the nhs is a the heart of the social control agenda of the jackboot Methodist state. Centrally planed services funded by large scale extortion have no part of a free society.

richard.blogger said...

Why repeal all laws since 1997? Oh, that would be because you are a Tory and according to you only Tory laws are good. Dangerous dogs act, is that a good law? I rest my case.

If you were truly an independent libertarian then you would find a much more representative cut off point, like, say 1945 when the bulk of the welfare state started (or if you wish 1911 when state pensions started). Or maybe go back to 1798 when income tax started. But no, you are just a bitter Tory who could not accept that the public would reject Thatcherism.

Have some balls, stop being a Cameron stooge and be a real libertarian, or just shut the fuck up.

Captain Ranty said...

David, I did say that my manifesto was incomplete. Had I completed a comprehensive document I would have said that I quite like the education system (but it needs some major tweaks), and the NHS (it does NOT have to be run centrally, as you point out), but we largely agree. It's just a question of how we "commie pussies" rejig the system.

Richard, if you had bothered to read any of my earlier stuff you would have known that "Do no harm" is the cornerstone of my Freeman beliefs. The Dangerous Dogs Act becomes redundant under my new system. If harm (or injury, or loss) occurs, someone is responsible and that someone will be punished. Tell me: as soon as the ink dried on the DDA did all dogs suddenly stop attacking people?

You are a little off the mark regarding my mass statute repeals. The EU has pushed through over 80% of this shite since 1997. I am not a Tory (but I am not insulted by the name either. Should I be?), and while we're discussing it, I would just go ALL the way back and scrap every statute, and every single statutory instrument since they first appeared on the rolls.

Like I said: Do no harm covers everything. Prove me wrong. Name me one statute that is not covered by my One Law.

For what it's worth, I was a Labour man for most of my life.


Anonymous said...

"For what it's worth, I was a Labour man for most of my life."

Oh, well we're looking at moderate progress then even though your still trapped in socialism.

Anonymous said...

Can we please add to this excellent list, the denationalisation and decontrol of broadcasting.

The current monopoly of broadcasting is abused by the Few. It is obscene, and should be destroyed utterly, with every brick ground to a powder and ploughed into the ground with salt.

People should be able to hear the TRUTH - it is a human right.

As it is at the moment we have a nation of brainwashed zombies - who do not realise their pitiful pathology.

Enable a thousand voices to use the broadcasting infrastructure.

Open the curtains and let the light in.

(The internet may get there but it is not there yet - and 80% at least get all their information from TV)

Captain Ranty said...

We can add what we like Marcellus, old friend.

It's all a fooking fantasy, so have at it.

As usual, we are preaching to the choir. Well, mostly.

Of the dreadful 646 (soon to be 650) 148 have scarpered. The remaining 498 would never dare to look at blogs like this. Fiction beats fact every time. They will wander around sink estates, mouths agape, then run away to leafy suburbia, where they will pound on doors and convince some that they are worth a vote. They will mutter platitudes and sing their own Manifesto Song (without telling the gullible that those promises cannot be enforced by law) and they will slag each other off. This is the BEST we can hope for.

I can't wait.

I have three questions for anyone dumb enough to press my bell.

1. Europe. In or out?

2. Passive smoke. Harmful or harmless?

3. Climate change. Real or imagined?

The answers to those three questions will tell me everything I need to know about the rosette-bedecked humanoid that wakes me up at 2 in the afternoon.

My response wil be proportionate. Probably.


Span Ows said...

Well I think I may just add my vote too. Despite a few teething problems I think even the dullest would get the point.

P.S. shouldn't be working during your fag breaks though...(see comment on LFAT)

Mark Wadsworth said...

Not bad for a first draft, especially 8.

John Pickworth said...

"My response will be proportionate. Probably."

That sounds very Obamaesque... what's wrong with a good old fashioned First Strike? Get 'em as they come down the garden path, they won't be expecting that ;-)

To avoid any jail time: Don a policemans uniform and claim you thought his election leaflet was a weapon.

Unknown said...


Sounds like you live somewhere to the north of me... ;-)

Captain Ranty said...


I live to the north of 99% of the British population!

I am not too far from Banff.


Unknown said...

Ah, not *that* far north of me - I am in the vicinity of the Grey Toon!

Captain Ranty said...

Jings. You have my sympathies...


James Higham said...

You are going to get these rammed down your throat for the next four weeks

Goody goody.

Unknown said...

At least I don't actually live *in* the Grey Toon... ;)

Rational Anarchist said...

I love your manifesto - I'd vote for you :-)

1. Europe. In or out?

2. Passive smoke. Harmful or harmless?
Inadequate evidence to judge as yet. Personally, I don't like the smell, so I tend to avoid smokers. Doesn't mean I'd ban it though (and if I was going to do a ban, I'd make it the opposite of the one we have. Ban smoking in public places, let people do what the hell they like in private. If a landlord wants to ban smoking in his pub, that's up to him, that way the customers have the choice: if they don't like smoking, they'll go to a pub that bans it and that landlord will make more money. I don't want to be forced to endure it at every single bus stop in the land).

3. Climate change. Real or imagined?
Again, inadequate evidence. The real question should be: "Climate change - if it is happening, what will the effects be and is it really a bad thing?" Consider: There was a report a year or two ago that said rising temperatures would save lives in the UK - largely because more die in a cold winter than a hot summer.

Wayne and Waynetta Slob said...

ang on a minute, what about Giro's.

Ade said...

You missed one very important manifesto.

You need to stop borrowing money from the Rothschild's misleadingly named and very Private Bank of England.

PRIVATE Bank of England

AngryDave said...

Count me in!!

FROSTY said...

Leave us Brummies out of it, us true Brummies are English and proud of it.

Anonymous said...

"...And any more that I can think of during my first smoke break..."

See, this is why smoking must be banned entirely and wiped from the face of the earth.

It allows people with too much free thinking time on their hands and they begin to see beyond the masquerade of propaganda and falsehoods, then come up with ideas, such as yours, that fly in the face of authority instead of quietly paying homage to whatever authority tells us to do, then falling into line with the rest of us.

That is probably the true nature behind the reason of the smoking ban.

Smokers know already the government is lying, knew it well before the rest of us caught on.

And that, must be what is banned, that type of thinking, denormalized, made obsolete, so the next generations will shut up and do and believe as they are told, see the empire as clothed, not naked.

Antipholus Papps said...

I don't want to be forced to endure it at every single bus stop in the land

But you'll happily slurp up those lovely diesel fumes, eh? Wanker.