June 30, 2011

Defend Your Castle

For centuries we took it for granted: an uninvited scumbag enters your home and you do what comes naturally; you hurt the toerag, and give him a short, sharp lesson in right and wrong.

The law previously said that "reasonable force" could be used but that expression became twisted and it seemed that reasonable force was determined either by a soft judge or by the bad guy.

Now, however, Chubby Clarke says that we can stab away.

I'm not sure about you, but I was always going to use whatever means necessary to a) defend my home b) hurt the light-fingered bastard that broke in and c) take my chances in court.

A mate of mine in Grampian Police said to me just recently that we should mention (to the cops, if they show up following a burglary), that the bad guy was in/near the kitchen where all the knives are kept. Thus intimating that we were in fear for our lives. Now, says Clarkey, we don't even have to bother with this "excuse".

Like I said, I didn't need the law clearing up. I was crystal clear on what I was willing to do to defend me and mine. Anyone entering my home uninvited, particularly in the wee small hours, is going to have a stabby experience. Or a baseball batty experience. Or a chair over the noggin. Or something. My main aim will be to educate. I will teach these pilfering bastards that I am not fair game.

What I have, I have grafted for. Nothing came to me for free, and it damn well won't to these idlers who can't be arsed getting a job like the rest of us.

If there are any clever sods out there who think they can track me down and test me on this, please do.

You will leave my home with a lot less claret and perhaps a broken bone or three. I am, by nature, a generous soul, so I will call the ambulance to come and cart your damaged body away.

I happen to believe that my home really is my castle, and my herd must be protected at all costs.

I will get medieval on your ass.

You have been warned.



Anonymous said...

As a past practitioner of the English Longbow which I still have about my person my defence would be:-

Well it was like this me Lud. I was just seeing if I still had the strength to pull my Longbow when this chappie startled me and I accidently let go of the arrow.

Captain Ranty said...


Ken says we don't even need to justify it now.

You just say "This scallywag was robbing me. I shot him. Remove his bleeding body/corpse forthwith".

I hope you trained your boys in the art of the bow. That's what the common law says we should do with our Sunday mornings.


I am Stan said...

Yabba dabba dooo Capitan,

Its all smoke n mirrors Captn, nowt ll change a tell thee, new weasel words to describe the same old law "reasonable force".

You`ve gotta make sure you get your story straight before the babylon arrive, "attacked me feared for my life" etc.

They`ll still put you through the wringer but at the end of t day, a stranger breaking into your home at night is a frightening experience unless your James Bond, so your not being untruthful.

I am Stan said...


I`m submitting a new post to Orphans of Liberty, it seems the last two I sent, Republican Milfs and Scotsmans Underpants have been lost in the ether, this one is titled.

Using A Granny As A Human Shield During Night Attacks And Other Practical Uses

Sleep tight.

Nick said...

Thanks for the laugh, after a strange type of day.

Sackerson said...

More rubbish from Clarke. Don't believe a word of it.

Anonymous said...

I asked this question of a police officer of many years service, a professional acquaintance and was advised to keep a stout torch nearby and claim you ventured downstairs to see what the commotion was and startled whacked the fucker over the head with it half a dozen times.

Knives and baseball bats don't count.

Captain Ranty said...


I don't believe any of them any more.

So I will carry on regardless. (If the need arises-there is no crime here).


Captain Ranty said...


I will lash a stout knife to my stout torch.


Anonymous said...

How about a hammer with a Stanley knife taped on it.

OR, a baseball bat with a torch then a knife, you know for reaching over that distance to the chopping board when you cook with the lights off, officer...

Captain Ranty said...

Now we're cooking!

"Ah, yes, the sword? That's for cutting baguettes. Lengthways. The bad man fell right on top of it...".


Anonymous said...

Damn it Cap'n, only 80 year old grannies will be allowed to stab burglars.

Captain Ranty said...

I'll drag in the old wifey from next door.

She'll do anything for a bag of Werthers.


James Higham said...

Similar thoughts at this end - in fact I had to get narky with someone today in the humble abode.

Anonymous said...

For years I was berated by Her Indoors for not throwing away old kitchen knives. She only stopped when I told her the reason, that anyone who broke in would have been armed with one of the said knives. I would only have been using reasonable force against an armed intruder, which is a justifiable self defence plea.

FrankC said...

A six "C" cell torch can be very useful and heavy.

richard said...

Burglars? No sense of panic when you see they're unarmed and you aren't. The two of them fled when I pulled back the hammer on my shotgun. It wasn't even loaded, just the sight of a firearm sent them scarpering.

suedenimon said...

WHAT!!!!....you mean you would actually call the People Of Limited Intelligence Called Enforcers (POLICE). Keep a couple of dogs or a pig, or just knock em out, reclothe in an old frock from a charity shop bought prior to the event and drop on nearest intercity track...and learn to 'keep yer gob shut'

"Burglars Mr policy enforcer? nah ...never see them round here!

We have the perfect excuse if the truth comes out don't we?...

"Lawful Rebellion m8, gotta disdress and distrain, what have I done wrong... was distrain the wrong type of train?

PS...do not post a video of it on Youtube, you know it makes sense!

PPS...The legal justification?...easy, as affidavits have been served the failure on their side to communicate your LR status to all their 'employees' means an actual attack upon you or yours is in effect an overt act of war, (notice to principal is notice to agent, notice to agent is notice to principal) and the responsibility is theirs not yours!

NB...(disclaimer) none of the above can be taken/should be taken or construed as legal advice, there are legal restrictions on the keeping of pigs which if breached may result in serious consequences.

(nice piece Cap'n)

Sue said...

It seems even when we try to be self sufficient, we are not allowed to be. Forced reliance on the state is preferred. Isn´t there anyone that can help this couple?


Anonymous said...

> "you hurt the toerag, and give him a short, sharp lesson in right and wrong"

No, you're doing it wrong. You kill the toerag and bury him under your patio. Otherwise him and his mates come back and firebomb you.