June 05, 2011

Northwards, To Lagos

I had a lovely week in Johannesburg. The streets where I was staying (in Sandton) were safe and the bars & restaurants were good. I got to see my extended family too, so much drinking and much eating took place. We made lots of fine memories to sustain us until we meet again.

But, into every life a little rain must fall, so I left the land of milk and honey to head north to the land of piss and vinegar:

Looks lovely, doesn't it? This image must have come straight from the Nigerian Tourist Board.

What they don't tell you is that this is the every day reality:

They certainly don't tell you that if you arrive after nine pm you will be stopped at three VCP's, manned by the Nigerian Police Force, all of whom will demand money from you. Equally, they don't tell you what the required response to these demands should be. I tried "Fuck off" three times, and three times they waved me on. Disappointment writ large on their greedy faces.

They don't tell you that after you have checked in and are trudging your way up the stairs to your room that you will be approached by a smiling pimp.

Pimp: "PSSST! Mister. Mister!"

Ranty: "Yes?"

Pimp: "Erm, the man who ordered the two girls in reception has already gone to bed. Would you like them?"

Ranty: "For free?"

Pimp (laughing): "No sir! But I can cut you a deal..."

Ranty: "No thanks"

Pimp: "OK then". After a slight pause, "Want a boy?"

Ranty: "No thanks"

Pimp: "No problem sir. I'll check back with you through the week"

Ranty: "Please don't".

There endeth the conversation, and our weary traveller wends his way up the stairs to get some shut-eye.

So, with such an electric start to this portion of my trip, the only way is down.

I'll keep you updated....



Anonymous said...


Just remember.

The only difference between an ordeal and an adventure is your attitude.

That said, good luck!


Captain Ranty said...

Thanks Lost.

Mercifully, ordeals are few and far between. I seem to attract adventure though.

It usually ends well. I smile and joke a lot. Gets me out of the shit nine times out of ten.


JuliaM said...

His list of offerings stopped after 'boy'..? Pfft! Amateur!

Captain Ranty said...


I know!

I had many more proclivities he could have enquired after.....

I will send him a link to "Sales 101".


Barman said...

Lagos is a shit hole. End of!

I spent a terrifying night in Lagos airport hugging my luggage waiting for an aircraft to take me back to the UK...

Woman on a Raft said...

On the plus side, at least the Lagos pimps are trying to supply something the customer wants. However regrettable the context, that's a darn site more than you'll get from many local authorities here.

Ampers said...

Lagos pros are quite safe, Capt'n, but you must use an African condom.

This is the type you step into and you zip it up at the back, the girls will help.

It stretches from the neck down to your toes.

Then sex with this girls are quite safe.

Dr Evil said...

I'm surprised that go away for sex didn't get you a pistol or assault rifle waved in your face. It truly is a land of entrepreneurs is it not? Of course some don't ask, they just rob you with violence.

Captain Ranty said...


Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to fuck off and making them look forward to the trip.

After many years in HM Forces I learnt how to do this with consummate skill.

I smiled when I said it. That's pretty much all it takes.

(Besides which, they were armed only with LED torches. No guns in evidence. It is highly likely they sold them so they could feed their families).