August 23, 2010

Need Cheering Up?

We have had some heavy duty shit on here of late.

How about this years top ten gags from the Edinburgh Festival courtesy of Yahoo?

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

FWIW,  No 2 wins my vote for top slot.



Anonymous said...

very trippy!! i was just about to suggest the same thing,to cheer up by watching,bill hicks or george carlin.telepathy? trippymalc

Captain Ranty said...

I knew you would say that....

Anonymous said...

lol tm

Anonymous said...

how about this one. the catchphrase of an alcoholic mental patient. i would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal

Catosays said...

How about.....The Pakistanis have a new song to sing...'Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed'

Catosays said...

Or...... A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently Prophets are going through the roof

Catosays said...

Or....A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, "Mummy, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up!"

Her mother says, "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?"

James Higham said...

I like 3.

Dioclese said...

Why do sharkes circle their victims before eating them?
Because they taste better without shit in them.

Dark Lochnagar said...

It must just be me, but I actually liked the joke that got the worst joke award, told by that dozy, American fucker with the long, floppy hair and the long arms, called Emzo or something. Personally I thought the rest were shite, but then again that just about sums up the Edinburgh festival!

Captain Ranty said...



I liked it too. That guy is definitely off-planet. But funny with it.

I have made the mistake of going to Embra when the festival is on. Twice!

Never again.