March 10, 2010

Spanner In The Works

Today is No Smoking Day.

My mission is to upset the Righteous at every given opportunity. It is a task I derive great pleasure from.

Most days I smoke less than a packet a day. To celebrate this great day I shall be upping my consumption to two packets.

To those freaks who think that coercion will work, it won't. If you think price increases work, they won't. They just drive me to the black market instead.

I will not be browbeaten. I will not be bullied. I will not be threatened. I will not be assimilated.

In short, I will not comply.

As our little friend Aleksandr says:


Now fuck off. And when you get there, fuck off again.



Dick Puddlecote said...

And indeed, again.

I always feel more inclined to smoke on No Smoking Day. I don't why but suspect it has something to do with WALL TO WALL TALK IN THE MEDIA ABOUT SMOKING!

Unknown said...

Bugger, read this too late to include it in my links to blogging smokers.

I wonder how many times I will hear those words today DP?

Unknown said...

Sorted CR!

Snakey said...

I hate No Smoking Day. It makes me wonder when they will bring out a No Chocolate Eating Day or a Reduce your Salt Intake Day or a Fasting Day (for those who aren't stick thin). Pft.

I am Stan said...

All this talk of smoking or not has caused me to smoke more than usual,I have just sent my squeeze out to replenish stocks!,and to get some booze and fish n chips.

hangemall said...

I've got my 5-pack of Hamlets to celebrate.

Anonymous said...

No smoking day? Fuck off with your No This and That. How about a "No Being Told what to do by a Twat Day".

Not a smoker myself, but I don't give 2 shits whether anyone else does, so if you fancy it and can manage to light a couple for me, it would be much appreciated CR. Enjoy!


Corrugated Soundbite said...

I've just had my 10th (cigarette, not packet). Barely got anything done this morning. I just want this day to be over so I can have a big fat salty pizza, and once I'm home, indulge in some "above the recommended intake" red wine action and a fat cigar or two. And no telly. Perfect ;-)

LazyCookPete said...

Okay Ranty, its time to stop holding back and to say what you really mean...

I have a good mind to start smoking again; just to show some solidarity. Tell you what, I will set fire to my socks! How's that?


Uncle Marvo said...

I have secured a pack of 200 Marlboro Red, the fag of choice of Chimney Clarkson.

No UK tax has been paid on these, and I am going to smoke as many as I can shove in my lungs today. I will be offering them free to anyone I meet (apart from the kids).

Captain Ranty said...

You old meany!

Give the kids a smoke.

There's a tribe in Indonesia (the Sumai) that start their kids smoking at 2 or 3 years of age. They all live until they are old and grey. Never been a single case of lung cancer in the tribe ever.

WTF are they putting in our fags??


Captain Ranty said...


As long as you annoy someone when you set fire to your socks, and, (this is important), take them off first.


Captain Ranty said...


Consider it done!


Captain Ranty said...

Thanks TBY!!

Captain Ranty said...


We need to have words.

We good smokers do not buy Phillip Morris product. They bend over every time the anti's tell them to. They are slime.


Uncle Marvo said...

There are four things in our fags, nicotine, CO, tar and saltpetre.

Nicotine is tops. CO is not, but in the quantities you ingest it will give you a headache at worst. Tar will accumulate in your lungs if you inhale deeply and over many decades, without coughing. Saltpetre, apparently, is not good, but I really know nothing about it apart from it keeps fags alight and can be mixed with sulphur and charcoal to great effect.

The kids don't normally smoke. They steal my Stella though, does that count as bad boy behaviour?

Captain Ranty said...


The Stella stealing shows promise but I can't help thinking that you could be doing more. Must try harder.

The antis tell us that there are between 4000-11000 chemicals in our smokes. There may well be, but if there are that many, then they are in quantities so mind-numbingly small that they wouldn't bother a flea. A poorly flea. With weak lungs.

There are also 7 carcinogens: three of which may be harmful to humans but again, the quantities are tiny. The remaining 4 are rat carcinogens.

For balance, there are 19 rat carcinogens in every cup of coffee that you drink. No-one seems to be concerned about that at all.


Anonymous said...

Holy SMOKES! 19 carcinogens in coffee? I'm an organic coffee freak, though, so there's got to be less in that brand, surely.... I'm off to check this out.....

I was going to pour myself my 3rd one for the morning. I'd better start smoking....


Captain Ranty said...


If it was harmful I'd be dead in a cold, cold grave.

I drink at least 15 cups a day.

The water I use contains (like yours) Prozac, menstrual blood, animal blood, semen, human & animal faeces, and a whole host of toxins.

The milk I use also contains blood, semen, and big pile of other crap that I don't want to list here.

I don't use sugar but I have to tell you that refined sugar is anything but.

There are 7 different types of mite that live in your eyelashes.

Some of this shit just isn't worth getting excited about.

Organic schmorganic. It's all full of crap.

The human body is a fantastic self-healing system and almost all of the shit that goes in, comes out as well.

The exception to that rule are anti-smokers and politicians. They retain all the shit that goes in and they regurgitate it endlessly.


LazyCookPete said...

CR, my socks were already off mate; I had to count my blessings, and I ran out of fingers - you know about state school education...