May 06, 2010

GE 2010-Open Thread

Folks,

This is an open thread if you want to jot any thoughts down.

I am not feeling my best. This morning I had a "minor" surgery. The procedure was scheduled for 20 minutes but an hour and a half later the surgeon finally managed to remove a small tumour (benign) from my bonce. He managed to slice through a blood vessel and my claret was all over the small theatre. After a couple of minutes of this the place looked like a butchers shop. It filled up with old women looking for cheap cuts. It was a mess. I have half a dozen stitches and a small amount of pain. It was Mrs Ranty and the cadets what made me have the op. I was reasonably content with the wee lump but they started taking grossly exaggerated detours around me. It was funny the first fifteen thousand times then I got bored and surrendered. This was my first visit to an NHS hospital in 16 years. Anyone care to figure out what my little operation cost? On second thoughts, please don't tell me. Just in case I have anyone reading who works for the NHS, I can confirm that the surgical team were pretty damn good.

If anyone wants to send any "Get Well" blondes, let me know. I will email you the address of a seedy hotel near Ranty Barracks.

Otherwise, my floor is yours.

A word, if I may, about foul language: knock yourself out. There may be awards for the most colourful swears.

In case you were curious about how your unbending author voted, I had to choose one of these:

Jimmy Buchan-Con
Glen Reynolds-Lab
Galen Milne-LibDem
Eilidh Whiteford-SNP
Richard Payne-BNP

Have a stab at guessing who got my X*. I will (eventually) cave in and tell you the answer.

CR.

*Can anyone tell me why we write the X with a pencil?

35 comments:

James Higham said...

Sheesh - more blood than Nigel. Hope you're OK now.

Captain Ranty said...

The poor surgeon got it right in the face!

I am fine though James, thanks.

You know what they say, "Any operation you can walk away from is a good one".

When I tap the wound lightly I hear metal on metal. Do you think he left some tools in there?

(I have to fly early next week so I'll find out then. Aberdeen airport scanners are set to "One filling or more" so I should set all the alarms off).

CR.

The Filthy Engineer said...

"Can anyone tell me why we write the X with a pencil?"

Would you trust the underclass with a pen. It would be knicked and then sold.

Captain Ranty said...

Filthy,

The pencil was chained down. It can't be a theft thing. I was more worried that some twat would later rub out my X and fill their own in.

They do say it is the counters that decide elections, not the voters.

CR.

vervet said...

"Can anyone tell me why we write the X with a pencil?"

Elf n' safety, no doubt.

Of greater concern to me is why they record the number of the ballot paper given to you - thought this was supposed to be a secret ballot ?

Some 'king democracy this is.

wv = prawn .... I kid you not !

Sue said...

I can´t say I know much about the SNP. I suppose with what´s left, I might have voted BNP, but don´t tell anyone! Shame there was no UKIP candidate.

Anonymous said...

My wife's work colleague is getting £300 for spending the day logging voting forms and the evening/night counting the things.
Not a bad lift for basically sitting on one's backside!

fraser said...

O' dear! Ranty i dont know what to say, after all your good work and that is who you have to choose from they're all shysters, i would have spoilt my ballot i hope you didnt vote for a tin-pot nationalist outfit??

Indyanhat said...

Cap'n comisserations on the loss of claret!
As to your choice of wank faced fuckwit arseholes to vote for I think the only real choice you had was to unseat the incumbent whatever that meant.
Hope you managed that at least, See you later on the live blog if youre up to it!!!

Anonymous said...

Huh? What the shit is this then?

I wake up the other side of the world to see Nige in a plane crash and you're under the knife. How utterly fucking exciting! I never thought my 'leckie day would start like this!

Pencil? So I can correct your mistake with a rubber, if you fuck it up....

...or has someone already said that?....

Glad you're OK CR.

Pip, pip.

JB

hangemall said...

Make a full recovery, CR.

Acording to the BBC web site you don't have to use the pencil.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/8661984.stm

"DO I HAVE TO MARK MY CROSS WITH A PENCIL ON A STRING?

No, the election is not being electronically counted. So if you prefer you can use a pen. You can even mark the box with a tick instead. The important thing is that your voting intention is clear."

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks for your good wishes folks.

Still can't feel the left side of my head but I bought in some elephant tranquilisers for when the pain kicks in. That, and a fine bottle of South African merlot. I do not recall anyone saying that I couldn't drink, so I will.

Scary announcement time:

I voted for the Conservatives. They were the least worst option. Yes, I feel dirty. No, I will probably never forgive myself.

I could not, in good conscience, vote for any of the others.

The incumbent SNP MP was our glorious curry-scarfing leader, First Minister Al of the Salmond family. He jacked in the MPship to concentrate on Scottish curry houses. So are we still shifting an "incumbent"? I don't know. The blonde girly Eilidh is replacing him so I am unsure as to how it will all turn out. Results for Banff & Buchan will not be in until 4 am. Not sure if I want to stay up that late. Not with a bellyfull of wine and a slack handful of painkillers.

And I really must complain about the poor cursing. Some have stepped up to the plate, but the rest of you really must try harder.

Or else save it for tomorrow when Snotty wins by a landslide!!

CR.

fraser said...

Fucking hell Ranty you voted tory!

are you sure they didnt implant any fucking mind changing bugs into your head?

That bottle of merlot and those pills might might help you come to terms with what you have done...or even better a good bottle of Laphroag

Captain Ranty said...

I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry

Really. I am.

I hovered over the BNP box for what seemed like ages but I. Just. Could. Not. Do. It.

I'll bathe in acid. Will that shift the stain?

That smokey shite won't help. I'm tellin' ya. Find a new brew.

CR.

fraser said...

Caol ila for me tonight

Anonymous said...

CR,

You don't need to apologise for anything. "People fought for you to vote", well you did. And you were doing so, as Pat Condell says, with YOUR conscience, no one elses.

You voted, for the best choice in your opinion. It's not like you haven't been thinking about it m8, distracted by all the far more important goings on in "Stenders, or Pop Idol.... you haven't been have you?

At least it wasn't the current sack of shits. Then, I might not forgive ya!

Get well sooner, rather than later, eh!

JB

Captain Ranty said...

Fraser,

Isn't that from the Isles as well?

CR.

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks JB!

I feel better already.

I just thought it was a damn pity we didn't have a real choice. Some (decent) anti-EU parties or some independents.

Might just have to stand myself in 2015.

Wouldn't that be a lark? A Freeman MP-dedicated to destroying the government, removing all statutes, burning every CCTV, tying our money to gold again, removing all targets from the police and the NHS, and telling people to live, just live for a change.

I'd solve the traffic problem (and the enviro problems by default) and the homeless problem overnight. Can you work from home, would be my question. You can? Cool bananas! Now go find a homeless person and tell him/her your old office is now his/her home. Simples.

CR.

BTS said...

CR,

I hope the painkillers and the merlot are doing the job. Best choice of vote given the options available.

I'm going for a combo of vodka, cider, dope, merlot and codeine for the evening. If that doesn't do the trick..

I was going send you a blonde but, after the cock-rampage she was subjected to earlier, she can't even make it to the door. Sorry. But it's the thought that counts..

Indyanhat said...

Well fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck and fuck it, I bet you fuckin cuntin well hated bangin a bastard X in the four sided vacuity, for that bunch of tossin EU lovin double dealing wankers.
Still I can just about understand that a poor ill man with a fuckin great hole cut into his cuntin skull and little other motherfuckin cocksuckin choice might have had a pissing moment of weakness and failed to use the fucking government supplied shitty little clit like stub of a pencil to doodle a quick cunting sketch of either a syphillitic dribbling cock or an oozin chlamidia filled quim with a quick message of FUCK ALL YOUS bastards give us a real fucking candidate instead of these fudge packing excuses for a tossers wasted ejaculate!!!

There now does that make you feel a little better Cap'n, I only lapsed there as no one else seemed willing to cheer you up but I must admit I kinda enjoyed it!!!

Captain Ranty said...

It is the thought BTS, it is.

Thank you for almost sending me a harlot.

I wouldn't mind a note from you in the morning confirming that you have retained your eyesight after that staggering cocktail.

I thought I was "manning up" by mixing painkillers and grapejuice.

Now? I just feel grubby and inadequate.

I am clearly not worthy.

CR.

Captain Ranty said...

We have a WINNER folks!!

It is Indyanhat by a cuntry mile!!

Fuckin' awesome, dude.

Nuff respeck, fo' shizzle.*

CR.

*Nope. I do not have a single clue what it means either. Word.

Indyanhat said...

AW!!! Shucking fucks Cap'n theres still time , the night is young!!!

Captain Ranty said...

Things are looking up!

Just found this in me spambox:

hello my dear

My name is Angela i came across your mail today i was interested making friendship with you.
i will like us to be friends,i will also like to know you the more better,and i want you to send an email to my email address (angelapatrick43@yahoo.in)so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am i believe we can move from here!
(Remember the distance or color does not matter but love matters a lot in life)Thanks.
Yours Angela

(I've sent off for the pictures. You just never know).

CR.

Angry Exile said...

Heh, pencils for health and safety reasons. Next time it'll be crayons, though I'd have gone with Captain Ranty and suggested that the box could be opened by people with a large supply of erasers.

Oh and Cap, glad your NHS experience was better than my last one (the joy of post op infection is something that can take years to leave you). Get well soon.

Anonymous said...

Holy Fucking Shitbags....

Hazel Fucking Blears has just won?.....

She had her grubby little mits in the fucking till, flips her houses for a profit, at your expense, she waves the fucking cheque in your chops and she still gets in?

FUCK!

JB

BTS said...

I'm still alive. Not very much. But I am. And I'm feeling rather hungry. Otherwise everything's good. And slightly loud. I'm thinking about making a pizza now..

Anonymous said...

Seriously, what do these cunts have to do to you, before you fight back?

People unable to vote? The Ginger Ninja re-elected, after having her hands in the till....

An unelected geezer as PM, who flogged the nations gold off at the bottom, the man who raided the UK pension pot, the man who asked you to back your troops and then fucked them over with the kit for their own survivial....

.... and who can't win an election without the help of a party who have fewer votes than last time.... or a party, who, despite an open goal, seem unable to muster the fucking willpower to even get their fucking boots on and win against a party described as above. Utterly, utterly fucking piss poor....

You have all seen Greece the last few weeks, haven't you? And I don't mean the all singing and dancing Travolta-thon either...

It's just gone midnight here... I'm opening another bottle of wine.... fuck it.

JB

Graeme said...

Hazel Blears re-elected? Ye gods.

At least Jacqui Klebb got Spanish archered!* Oh, and so did Charles Clarke.

*El Bow. ;-)

Captain Ranty said...

Thanks AE.

My noggin is still numb, more than 24 hours after a local anaesthetic. Is that normal?

No infection but it's early days.

CR.

Captain Ranty said...

JB,

A night of surprises alright. Maybe she promised to shag Salford (all of them) as a thank you.

They aren't too picky in Salford. Obviously.

CR.

Captain Ranty said...

BTS,

I stand in awe. To still be breathing after that lot really is impressive.

Go for the pizza! It's going to be a depressing day. I forecast that you will be reaching for the bottle(s) before the day has run its course.

I know I will.

CR.

BTS said...

Good news/bad news today.

Bad news - I was a bit too fucked to make a pizza.

Good news - I have everything I need to make a pizza today.

Bad news - Gordon is still alive and his minions have yet to fling to fling themselves en masse into the ocean.

Good news - That 24" turbo-powered black Knobbler I got Jacqui Smith's husband to order for me may still come in handy after all.

Hope you're feeling better sport. I am currently fulfilling your prophecy - wouldn't want to make a false prophet of you..

Antipholus Papps said...

"Fo' shizzle" is, I believe, a Canadian bastardisation of "for sure", which Canucks say every single fucking sentence they speak, eh!

As for Hazel Blears - given that she's a running sore on a leprous she-mule's gleety cunt, what the fuck
does that make her voters?

CrazyDaisy said...

CR

Hope you're on the mend cheel! I voted for Eilidh and glad she got voted in, we don't need celebrity fishermen in B&B.

CD