An Open Letter To David Cameron

Dear David,

Your understanding of the words "modern" and "radical" are a little shaky.

I thought, when I clicked "play", that I would indeed hear something modern and radical. Instead, I find myself consumed with indifference.

What a let down.

Who told you that the NHS is the single most important thing to Britons? Even I can fix the NHS overnight. What you need is wire wool and Dettol. Lots of it. Buying in bulk will offer great discounts. Clean the hospitals. While you are at it, clean out all the petty paper-pushers for whom we closed down hundreds of wards to accommodate. There must be many thousands of "target chasers" that we don't need. What we need are good cleaners and good nurses. Now that would be modern. 

The economy? Yes it's in a mess, and no, it isn't your fault. As much as I want to say it's all Gordon Browns fault, I cannot. Look south-east, to a tiny little city. They call it Brussels. In this tiny place you will find thousands of unelected people, whose sole job is to a) separate us from our cash and b) drown us in new statutes and unwanted regulation. Dump the EU and we are on the road to recovery. Now, more than ever before, (one of your favourite soundbites, I believe), we need to retract. We need to withdraw. We need to lick our wounds and rebuild our economy. No point looking to Brussels for that help. Our relationship with them is clear: we send them billions, and they send us legislation. Get us out of Europe, pronto. That would be radical. 

 Law. Hundreds of thousands of statutes, regulations, and statutory instruments bog our country down. Repeal them all. We only need one law: do no harm. It covers everything. The courtrooms of the last thirty years morphed into places of business. Justice is the last thing I would expect if I were ever to land up in a court. Massive changes are needed to restore our faith and our trust. Just in the last few weeks we learnt that a woman who stole £1 MILLION from her employer walked free. A Lord who killed someone whilst texting someone else when he was behind the wheel, left gaol after just 16 days. Yet a man called Nick Hogan, whose only crime was to allow people to smoke in his bar was gaoled for SIX MONTHS! He should be released immediately and apologised to. Change our justice system to reflect common sense and build (rebuild) the foundations on common law. Now that would be both modern and radical.

In fact, reform the smoking ban and you will immediately inject life into our failing pub industry. At the last count, more than 50 pubs per week are closing down, with average job losses at 10 people per site, isn't it time to get modern and radical with a smoking ban reform plan? You will gain the respect of 12 million people in a heartbeat. Restore choice. Do it now.

Climate change. Distance yourself from this fabricated nonsense as soon as you can. Each week reveals more and more lies. The modern way, the radical way, to approach science is to have datasets that tell the truth. Right now our scientists have sold their souls for research grants. Reinstate integrity and honesty and let's all deal with real issues, not ones that were dreamed up to scam money out of gullible politicians who really ought to know better. They con you out of money and guess who pays? That's right. Joe Public.

We are sick and tired of bailing out governments with all the spending ability of a two year old gerbil. Cut waste. Lose ALL the quangoes. Cut off ALL charities that are so clearly fake. Start with ASH. They generate around £15K per year rattling tins, but get half a million from the government just by looking sad and holding out their grubby little paws. That would be modern. That would be radical.

Cut the PC crap. You say in this disappointing video that you have or will increase to 60 the number of female MPs. Box ticked. You have increased the number of black MPs. Box ticked. You have increased the number of Asian MPs. Box ticked. Here's a clue Cammy: Labour have been ticking boxes for thirteen years. Look where that got us. I have nothing against females. I have nothing agains blacks. I have nothing against Asians. But get this, if white middle-aged heterosexual men can do the job better, hire them instead. As the meerkat says, simples.

Use all of the above, improve on it if you can. No charge will be issued from Ranty Barracks.

But for the love of all things holy, don't try and tell us that your band-aid solution for a gaping wound is going to help anyone.

Get my country back from the unelected, from the unaccountable, from the clinically insane lickspittles in Brussels. Then understand that major surgery is needed. Not platitudes.

Do that, Mr Cameron, and I will help you all the way.

Do it not, and you will fail. And I will use every atom I possess to help ensure that you fail.

Think on.

Captain Ranty.