Friday Funnies

The Leveson Report. Now that was fucking funny.

£6 million pounds. It contains 2,000 pages and that works out at £3,000 per page. What isn't funny is that we taxpayers stumped up the cash. Fucking marvelous.

Have some pix to cheer you up:

Birds shitting on cars. An age old problem.

Christmas gag.

I sincerely hope that the chap has a sweaty back. Because if that is not sweat, it is...ewww!

This was a good day for Danny Nightingale. I am super-glad he is free again.

The reason Clegg wants to implement Leveson's recommendations.

How much the West cares about Syria. If only they had oil.....

Or, you can just tell them all to fuck off.

This is actual research and for once, it is true.

Speak English? Sure. You might want to correct your spelling though.

Many a word said in jest...

Winnie pans the lefties.



Late entrant (fnaar fnaar):

In other news, I am having my liver scanned this morning. With a bit of luck they will find one, although, I do not have a candle lit for this discovery. My plan was always to use the little fucker to its maximum. These organs are supposed to be used before we clock off. Puritans please note.

UPDATE: I have a liver! The scan nursey said that the letter from the doctor mentioned "persistent liver trouble". The lying twat. I have had four liver function tests in 22 years. Only the last one three weeks ago indicated that something may be amiss. All other tests recorded normal activity. Doctors: the new politicians? They are firmly on my list of people not to be believed.

Have a restful weekend.

CR.

Reasons To Be Fearful

In a world where banks fail, but are handed billions from the taxpayer

In a world where a Speaker is ejected for the first time in 300 years but is made a Peer

In a world where a sitting MP can swan off to Oz to be in a game show and is not sacked

In a world where a Peer (Lord Ahmed) kills a man and serves only 16 days in gaol

In a world where the police do NOT charge an MP (Cyril Smith) with buggering small boys

In a world where SAS heroes (Sgt Danny Nightingale) are gaoled for nothing and terrorists (Abu Qutada) are set free

In a world where MPs fiddle their expenses, repeatedly, but keep their jobs anyway

It is hardly surprising that war criminal Blair will be considered for the top job in Brussels.

Deep joy.

CR.

Take The Test!

So, you have always wondered if you were cut out for a career in politics, eh?

I have devised a simple test to discover if you can deliver the goods.

Good luck!

Q1. Do you firmly believe that taxpayers money is yours to disburse however you see fit?

Q2. Can you promise the earth whilst campaigning for votes and once elected, immediately discard all those promises?

Q3. Can you claim every expense going, make up a few of your own and when challenged, bleat that "It was all within the rules!"

Q4. Can you, with total disregard to your own conscience (if you have one), simply stand idly by and watch as your nation loses all sense of itself?

Q5. Are you prepared to vote on meaningless yet unending legislation that you have never even bothered to read?

Q6. Are you prepared to put party first, no matter what damage is done to your home nation?

Q7. Are you prepared to defend every idiotic decision your party leader makes?

Q8. Are you prepared, if the need arises, to claim expenses on your rented accommodation and THEN rent the same accommodation to a fellow MP so that he/she can also claim expenses without either of you blushing at all?

Q9. Can you, with no embarrassment whatsoever, bugger off for a month to be on a reality TV programme, (whilst claiming your publicly paid salary AND a £40K pay-off), despite your responsibilities to the fools constituents who elected you to represent them?

Q10. Do you believe that we entered the EU legally?

If you answered yes to one or more questions, congratulations!! You are in!

You have all the qualities desired to make you an ineffectual, money-grabbing, power-abusing, unaccountable, non-responsible Member of Parliament.

Coming up next week: how to join Common Purpose, graduate with flying colours and confirm to the world that you are a complete cunt.

~This has been a public service announcement sponsored by our old friend, rage~

CR.

Sunday Review

No 1 in a series of 1.

It's Good To Be The King

Why is anyone surprised that King Jacob is building himself a palace of extraordinary magnitude? The definition of the word "failure" in Africa is when a national leader does not feather his nest, and the nests of his closest friends and allies. Most African leaders are naturally bent and corruption in office is a required skill on their C.V's. Swiss banks would struggle to survive without them.

Zuma. This is the same fuckwit that insisted taking a shower after unprotected sex is a defence against HIV.

Is it a coincidence that we bung South Africa £19M in aid for AIDS and their bossman spends £17.5M on his new luxury kraal? I think not.

Link here: Fuck The Peasants

David Cameron Does Well At The EU Summit?

I detest saying anything nice about this gutless millionaire, so I will link to Daniel Hannan saying the nice things. Hannan raises several interesting points but the one that leapt off the page was this one:

"Do you remember how grateful the other countries were? Neither do I."

This is typical of those who want more, more, more. No "thank you", just a demand for even more of someone else's money. Socialist's. Is there a worse creature on this earth? (Apart from the current crop of paedo's, that is). The only answer is, of course, to leave The Stupid Club once and for all. It was a terribly cute idea, in some defects head, but in practice, shackling 27 separate cultures together is a mind-fuck, and should never have left the drawing board.

Link here: Bullingdon Boy Does His Job. For Once.

Member of UKIP? Give Us Those Kids Back.

In a staggering act of stupidity, Joyce Thacker, a Common Purpose graduate and all round numpty, takes three fostered ethnic children from a couple who were registered members of UKIP, because, she says, "UKIP is a racist organisation". Read that line again. The couple fostered three ethnic children. I don't know about you, but any family that deliberately fosters children not from their own ethnicity are blatantly announcing to the world that they are NOT racist. Why can the authoritarian misguided cow not see that?   

Link here: I Am A Cunt With Power And I WILL Use It.

It is getting so very hard to stay calm. I look about me and all is see is mindless shit. Stupid people in a position of power NOT doing right by those they are supposed to represent. The exception in the above stories being Spineless Dave. For a change, he showed a spark of the great man he could be, if only he had the sand to take us out of the EU. A demand that no less than 56% of the population are making.

In other news, I have been keeping an eye on all that legislation. You may recall that in 2011, this Coalition government broke all records for the amount of legislation created in a single year. In 2012 they will come close to eclipsing their own volume of shite produced. Last year they shat out 4,116 new "laws", and so far this year the number is 3,682. So much for "small government", eh? So much for Cameron's promise of "less interference". They must be so very, very proud of themselves.

Note to self: Investigate countries worth emigrating to.

CR. 

Friday Funnies

I am still not feeling particularly hilarious but laffs are important.

So I haz stolened some funny slash poignant pics for your hentertainment.

Here goes:

WTF happened to The Lard Foundation?

WTF are you made of?




Read it. And be proud. Chemically.

Cleverest/worst shoes. Ever.

Deep thinking. For deep thinkers.

The two sides of Twitter.

For the record: I like both.

If this dog is NOT levitating I wish to call the RSPCA.

For my Merkin readers.

True. Dat.

I had the temerity to mark my wife using this scale.





My surgeons say that the bandages can safely be removed next week.





Have a bodacious weekend.

CR.

You Tell 'Em Nige!!

Is this man the only honest politician in existence?



I really think so.

I often think that if I had chosen politics as a career*, or even now, in later life, I would want to do the same as Nigel.

Expose the weaknesses, deride the inept, shine a light on the corrupt, and embarrass the unaccountable. All in an effort, you understand, to make politics honourable again.

*My career would be exceedingly short, but jam-packed with satisfaction.

CR.

The "Healthy" Are A Drain On The NHS

So the next time the righteous lecture smokers and eaters, they might just want to shut the fuck up.

This piece was inspired by our blogmate The Long Rider as he rightly fires a broadside at no-mark Katie Hopkins. Who, incidentally, is another moron in a long line of morons spouting shite.

I know pretty much everything there is to know about tobacco. From seed to smoke. I wish I didn't, but there you go. I spent many years reading study after study and I have yet to lose the scientific argument. With anyone. I know that almost everything you read about smoking/second hand smoke in the MSM is a lie. The lies are sponsored by Big Pharma and they are repeated, endlessly, by those with a vested interest or by those who have the IQ of a chair leg. Like I said, morons.

How about some actual facts?

Read these facts, and be amazed:

Lifetime healthcare costs for the "healthy"-£225,000

Lifetime healthcare costs for the obese-£201,000

Lifetime healthcare costs for smokers-£177,000

So there you have it.

Sources:

1. Forbes

2. Science Daily

3. Ausmed

Some more numbers:

• Consumer spending on tobacco products in 2010 amounted to an estimated £14 billion, around 90% of this on cigarettes.
• Tax revenue from tobacco in 2011/12 amounted to £12.1 billion – £9.5 billion in excise duty plus £2.6 billion in VAT.
• The total tax burden (excise duty plus VAT) accounts for 88% of the price of the cheapest cigarettes on sale in the UK.

Source:

Tobacco Manufacturers Association

And before you shout "Tobacco shill!", know this: both sides lie. Big Tobacco tells lies. Big Pharma tells lies.  Those in the pay of Big Pharma tell the most spectacular lies. I do not know anyone in the pay of Big Tobacco and believe me, I've looked.

Consider these facts as well:

Tobacco has been in continual use for over 8,000 years. Traces of tobacco (and cocaine) have been found in Egyptian pyramids dating back 6,000 years before the birth of Christ. Tobacco is well known for it's medicinal qualities, and it even protects against many cancers.

Nicotine protects YOU every day from a nasty lung disease called Pellagra. A great many foodstuffs contain Niacin and this prevents the disease. Look at the ingredients in bread, in your morning cereal and even in marmite. Naturally, the puritans did not like people to know that they were eating foods containing nicotine so they changed the name to nicotinic acid, but it was still too close to the truth so they called it Niacin. It still bothered some so they called it Vitamin B-3. Now respectable, it is added to everyone's daily diet.

Need a source or two?

Health Conscious

Live Strong

Lung cancer was a rarity until 1910-1930. It was almost unheard of. But oddly, with the arrival of the mass produced internal combustion engine-also around 1910-1930-lung disease began to spring up in huge numbers wherever these motor vehicles were sold in large numbers. I know, I know. Never confuse correlation with causation. But it is mighty fucking coincidental, is it not?

For decades tobacco has been the bad guy. It is blamed for countless deaths around the world and in the meantime my own industry, Big Oil, got away scot free. They must have been cock-a-hoop for the last hundred years or so as bent scientists and lazy journalists looked the other way.

If you doubt anything I say here, forget the science, forget the morality, forget the games these industries play and simply follow the money. If you dig a little and you are not amazed, dig deeper.

But whatever you do, do not blindly believe everything you read in the MSM.

CR.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

For more years than I care to confess to, I supported Israel as I had thought that they were the underdog.

I will usually support the underdog because I believe in fairness, balance and equality. I support neither in this eon's old war. I have given up on both sides. There have been too many promises of peace. Too many failed promises from both sides.

But have you noticed the blatant land-snatching that has continued, unabated, since 1946?

Look:

The Israeli-Palestine situation isn't exactly one-sided, is it?

Not that I think lobbing missiles at each other is the smartest way to resolve their 4,000 year old disagreement either.

I think that if both sides genuinely wanted peace, they would have had it decades ago.

It seems that when two tribes go to war there is no real interest in stopping. The USA overtly supports the Israeli's, the Middle East covertly supports Hamas, and the only winner appears to be the missile manufacturers.

The innocents will continue to die as they unsuccessfully try to dodge the steel rain that falls, just as they failed to dodge the steel blades of centuries ago. The slaughter continues.

We haven't progressed much as a race, have we?

CR.

Friday Funnies

Something for the weekend?

If you are going to Beijing to self-immolate, don't. These guys are the putter-outers.

Big news day in Norwich. Obviously.

I larfed.

Parcels late from Argos?

Here's why.

I want to work here. It's pretty much all I say these days.

Did you laff too?

See you in hell.

True dat.

Install one in your home.












Have a good weekend.

CR.

Orwell Or Huxley?

Who was right?

Have a butchers at this.

I'm not sure if it will work. The preview is not helpful.  Click for embigulationing.

CR.

Is It Just Me?

Or is anyone else really, really angry about the amount of piss those MPs take?

Couple of examples:

This woman decided to fuck off to the jungle to take part in a TV show. For a month. On full pay. AND she will get £40,000 from the producers of the show.

This is a public servant. Her constituents elected her to represent them in parliament. You and I pay her wages, her expenses, and we ensure she gets discounted booze in the House of Commons bars and we make sure she doesn't have to pay full whack for her scoff in the HoC canteens/restaurants. If she is especially peckish, we will bung her £100-£160 per week for additional groceries.

Three words: sack the cunt.

Next up, the Snotgobbler:

This grinning gibbon clung on to the door of No 10 in May 2010 like his life depended on it. He just didn't want to leave. We had to embarrass the fuckwit out of there. He left. He headed north.

This is a public servant. His constituents elected him to represent them in parliament. You and I pay his wages, his expenses, and we ensure he gets discounted booze in the House of Commons bars and we make sure he doesn't have to pay full whack for his scoff in the HoC canteens/restaurants. If he is especially peckish, we will bung him £100-£160 per week for additional groceries.

He seems to have forgotten that he works in Westminster. The idle twat has showed up for work less than 10 times in the last two and half years. WE pay him £65,000 a year. For which he does the square root of fuck all. Nice work if you can get it, eh?

Three words; sack the cunt.

I don't know about you, but I have had a bellyfull. Why do we allow this shit to continue? Why haven't we looked out our pitchforks and charged down there? Even if we did, what the fuck can we do about these piss-takers?

If they aren't all rubbing their wrists constantly (because of all the RSI caused by filling in expense sheets relentlessly), or counting all the our money from renting out flats to each other, and getting away with it AND staying in office, they are on the telly talking shite. Endlessly.

In the background, over THREE AND A HALF THOUSAND pieces of legislation have been shat out by these career politicians in 2012. Seriously. 3,501 3,524* so far. Endless regulations. Layer upon layer of new rules that they cannot possible examine, read, ratify and vote on. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I know, because I tried to keep up with them one day. With no distractions whatsoever I failed to read and completely understand the 26 new laws they vomited out in that single day. If I couldn't do it, I see no reason how they could either.

I am at a loss.

The legislative process is not difficult to get your head around. It is the sheer volume that stuns me.

* They pumped out another 23 since 9 am this morning. (09/11/12)

This shit has to end.

And soon.

CR.

Home Is The Hunter

The Stockholm trip was a huge success. I went, and I came back. Coming back was the highlight. Swedish presenters have obviously never been taught to vary their voice tone when delivering presentations. It was a constant battle to stay awake.

Still, I made some new friends. A Swede and a Former Yugoslavian made ideal drinking companions and we had a terrific after-event piss up. Although the challenge really began when we parted company and I got back to my shitty hotel. There was no en suite bathroom so I had to shuffle down the hall to take a leak. After a night on the pop this happens frequently and I would like to apologise to the other hotel guest for frightening them as I staggered along the corridor in my boxers.....

Need cheering up after learning that a rich black dude was (re) elected to the Throne in the US and A? Disappointed that a rich white dude failed to win?

Have some happy snaps then:

The man's depravity was limitless...

This moggy could be an MP. They also sit there doing fuck all...

Shiny things. Don't buy them.

Shit joke.

Staying calm is overrated.

Be angry instead.











The Merkel/Cameron meeting was a huge anti-climax. Full story here

Is her argument-you vill be lonely-seriously the best she can do? Really? We stood alone for centuries. We did very well. We traded with the world with nary a hiccup. A return to those days would be very welcome, thank you very much. I vote we cancel our membership with the Stupid Club. Today. The alternative is to be dragged down with the other 26 nations. We need to wake up and do a runner. Sharpish.

For the Plain Packs supporters we have a message: you lost.

You lost because the very best you could conjure up were lies, deceit, obfuscation, manipulation and collusion. You lost because you could not prove, honestly, that plain packaging would reduce smoking. You couldn't prove it as a fact because it doesn't. Nor do smoking bans, you gormless twats. The figures speak for themselves. There has been no significant reduction in the number of smokers since your crusade began in earnest five years ago. There has, however, been a massively significant reduction in the number of pubs in the UK. So far 11,000 have gone down the shitter. Well done.

Have a Downfall video as a reminder that you are a bunch of interfering, useless fuckwits:



Have a super day.

CR.

Off Again...

To Stockholm this time.

Just a short trip to attend a conference.

Let's hope there's a footie match on.












I'll be back late Wednesday night so I will miss the show-down with Merkel and Cameron. No doubt the one with the biggest balls will win.

That would be her. Merkel. (See what I did there?)

Be well,

CR.

Natural Death Or NHS Blunder?

FFS.

As you all know my dear old dad died last week.

I mentioned in the comments that there was to be a post mortem. I was told that this was routine for all people afflicted with asbestosis. That post mortem has been performed.

The Chief Coroner has now decided to hold an inquest. Various anomalies emerged from the post mortem. I have not yet seen the report but I hope to get a copy soon. A police liaison officer has been assigned to our family and they (the police) advised us to contact our solicitor post haste.

Somebody, somewhere, is not at all happy with my dad's treatment during his six day stay in hospital.

A senior staff nurse said that she had never seen a patient go from "so healthy to dead" in such a short time span. He was originally admitted for a cough that his GP was concerned about. He went in on the Friday for a course of antibiotics and by Monday the cough had all but disappeared. All of his meds were stopped on admission but by Tuesday he stopped passing urine. He was catherterised but only passed blood, which indicated a kidney problem. Less than 24 hours later he went into renal failure. He was struggling to breathe at 3:30am Wednesday and died at around 10am on the Thursday. A nurse was seen to poke a very long tube down his throat in an effort to clear his lungs. An hour later she administered a drug (via syringe into his stomach) rather than through his saline drip. His breathing improved but he then lost all lucidity and did not open his eyes again until moments before his death. He died in great pain.

The Coroner issued a death certificate yesterday with the cause of death being renal failure. (This allowed him to release my dad's body to the undertaker). My dad's GP (speaking to my mum yesterday) was mystified. He had a kidney function test just three weeks ago and the results were in the normal range.

Obviously, it is far too early to fling accusations around but the question remains: did the nursing team do all they could, or did they drop the ball?

From conversations with various medical professionals, it looks like someone fucked up.

It's difficult enough dealing with a parental death due to natural causes, but to learn that he may have died due to negligence or incompetence is deeply distressing.

Updates as they happen.

CR.

Pix To Ponder

Not much to get your laughing tackle going here.

Still, no sense gilding the lily. We live in The Age Of The Clusterfuck.

Here we go:

Right.

Right.

Rights.

Wrongs.

Democracy: shafting the populace, all ways and always.

No shit, Sherlock.

And strangely, those government killers get off Scot free.

I'd normally say "Have a great weekend" but it is getting harder and harder to ignore the fuckers, even in our brief "off time".

Just do the best you can.

CR.

Mixed Bag

I got home late last night.

Thank you so much for your words of condolence. I appreciate every single kind comment that you took the trouble to make. I was just told this morning that the Chief Coroner has released my dad's body and we can now go ahead with his funeral arrangements. We will give him the send off he deserves on 12th November.

Germany was everything I remembered it to be: good beer, friendly people, and efficiency in extremis. The only truly remarkable thing was the sheer number of non-Germans I saw and heard. It was almost like being in the UK......

Yesterday, scudding my way across a lovely landscape on the train was mostly a pleasant experience. Decent scoff in the restaurant car and good, cold beer. Then, just 50 km's from Munich it all goes pear-shaped. Wrong kind of tree fell on the line and we stopped at a station we were supposed to whizz through, this train being the intercity express. Within five minutes, seven coaches arrived to take us all to Fleising where we could catch a train to Munich. I missed my connection to Stuttgart but in the event I only had to wait 18 minutes for another service. I got to the airport in good time and my travel was not too badly interrupted. So, all's well that ends well.

Until I see the news this morning, that is. I picked two stories to look at and in that great newsy tradition, we end on a silly.

WTF is wrong with this government?

The Border Agency, those much loved despised incompetents, now want to retain lose vast amounts of data. Business as usual, then.

Look:

"Such a move would raise concerns because of the immigration system's appalling data security record.

In 2006 it emerged more than 450,000 asylum records had been found dumped in drawers and left in corridors. The backlog was finally cleared only this year.

Nick Pickles, of campaign group Big Brother Watch, said: 'Last month the Public Accounts Committee slammed the agency for the chaos and abuse of its eBorders system, so to be contemplating giving it access to details of who we email and what websites we view beggars belief."

Full story here

The EU game continues, I see.
  
"Tory Euro rebels humiliate Cameron"

Runs the headline. 

Further reading reveals that not enough damage was done to Cameron and the twonk is still hell bent on donating vast sums of taxpayer cash to the numpties in Brussels. On the upside, it looks like some (Tory) MPs decided to go with public opinion and will no doubt pay the price for their betrayal...

Full story here

And finally...

A human interest story. Well, perhaps not, as it involves a hedgehog. Read the story. Marvel that so many resources were expended on little Crispin, then think about how poorly these agencies respond when it is a human being in difficulty. I am sure you can think of your own examples. 

It is here 

And, just so you know how important that news is compared to some really heavy shit going on just now, look where it features on the "most widely read" list: 

 

 

Mind you, it's mostly shite anyway. 










The mind, it boggles, does it not?

Oh, I did see a story on those greedy Westminster fuckers but I lost the link. Apparently they are allowed to claim £160 per week for food. I think a state pensions is half that amount. I am so very, very pleased that we are all in this together.

We really are fucked, aren't we?

CR.