I Got Humped

Predictably so, some would argue.

I turned up, made life a little awkward for the court usher as I only gave him my first name. He said I wasn't due to appear, but he found me eventually.

Into court, packed again with people in track-suits, took a seat. Around 10:30 my case was called, I stood up and walked to the dock. The court recorder asks my name (Are you so and so?), I don't speak, then she asks my address (Do you live at so and so?), again I don't speak. There's no point as she isn't really looking at me or listening to me. The Justice of the Peace is staring hard at me, weighing me up (I thought), just like he did with all the other cases. I noted his slight surprise that I had dressed well.

The JP says take a seat. I did not sit. Having watched the previous 6 cases they sit for a nanosecond before being told to stand up again. I figure I have saved us all some time.

JP says, "Do you still intend to go to trial?"

I say, "I am here to settle this matter today".

JP: "So you are pleading guilty to both charges?"

Me: "Both charges? What is the second charge?"

JP looks a little surprised and asks the Procurator Fiscal (Depute) something. It was almost a whisper, I didn't hear what he said. The PF Depute then jumps up and reads out the charges. The PF Depute stumbles and mumbles and has trouble reading. He looks around 18.

JP says, "Do you want to tell us about your circumstances?  Do you work? And who for? Tell us about that".

Me: "It's irrelevant to this case".

JP: "Fair enough, let's move on".

He reads, he scribbles, he stares at me again, purses his lips, shakes his head.

JP says "I find you guilty of both charges: speeding and refusing to complete the Notice of Intended Prosecution. 3 points and £100 fine for the speeding, reduced to £80, 6 points for failing to complete the NIP and £360 fine reduced to £320".

9 points. 400 quid. I was a little shell-shocked, but I rallied a little.

Me: "Don't you think that is excessive?"

JP: "No, I, er, no. No, it is a statutory thing. Why do you ask?"

Me: "I ask because only last year a serving policeman walked out of court with no fine and no points after having been caught driving his own vehicle at 155mph on the motorway. The JP just gave him a wry grin".

JP: "That means nothing in here today".

Me: "So not ALL are equal before the law then? (I pause here, then say), I will appeal this".

JP: "You may appeal but it will do no good. It's a statutory thing".

Me: "Statutes aren't everything. I will appeal. This is ludicrous".

JP: "Appeal if you wish. We are done. Fill in the form the usher has for you".

Court Recorder: "Speak to a solicitor".

Me: "I cannot engage a solicitor because of the nature of the defences I intend to use".

I leave the court and get shown into an ante-room.

Now, something good happened just after I started filling in the form, but I want to keep it to myself for a moment. The short story is that a court official gave me some great advice and support but I don't want to identify him/her at this stage. They read my blog, and I do not want that kindly soul to get into any trouble. I'll take advice offline and fill you in if I can.

Is it all over? Do I lie down and die?

Hell, no. It's a setback to be sure, but there's a lot of mileage in this old rebel yet. I have several solid arguments to deploy during this appeal phase.

Lessons learnt?

The court does not tell you everything and it does not show you everything. Had I known about the 6 point thing I may well have continued to Trial. How much worse could it get?

Never overdress. Blend in with the surrounding chavs. Wear (dirty) tracksuits. Look pitiful. Do not have a job. (Your fines will be lower than usual and your benefits will be docked, which makes collection easy for all concerned).

Reasons to be cheerful: The Procurator Fiscal owes me £30,000. I had informed him on three or four occasions that I would make a special appearance but I demanded £15,000 for each appearance. He did not disagree. I will produce and send a bill to his office. If nothing else, he will pay more bloody attention when people send him Notices in the future.

I will swear out an affidavit laying out the reasons why these penalties do not apply to me. I may end up back in court at some point but I expect to emerge a winner. The mission, as it always must be, is to win without the need to attend a court hearing. That is my goal.

So, that was my morning, what did you get up to?

CR.

PS-DD, I will delete all your comments. Just stay away.