I Spy, With My Four Million Eyes...

...almost nothing.

In a report just published, the mentally disturbed voyeurs are desperately seeking new ways to convince us that our 4.2 million CCTV cameras are, in fact, useful.

Except that they are not.

As we learnt from this report back in August, The Incompetent Ones need over 1,000 cameras to solve one crime. I do love efficiency, don't you?

Here is their 10 point sales plan:

• The need for standards in all aspects of CCTV;
• The need for clear guidelines on registration, inspection and enforcement;
• Training of all personnel;
• The police use of CCTV footage and evidence
• Storage / Volume / Archiving / Retention issues
• The need for CCTV Networks - Live & Stored
• Equipping, resourcing and standardisation within the CJS
• Emerging Technologies / Changing Threats / New & Changing Priorities
• Partnership Working
• Financial and Resource management.

Notice any glaring omissions?

Today, over 95% of these cameras are illegal. They do not have signage saying "You are being filmed on CCTV". Without proper signs, you could murder someone in broad daylight, smile, and hold up your own sign saying "I did it. It was me wot killed him", and any competent lawyer will have the video recording ruled as inadmissable. Assuming there were no other witnesses, you could be in the pub for a lunchtime pint. Case closed.

That is reason enough to have the vast majority of them consigned to the dustbin, but I have a cunning plan.

Sometime next year I may wage a one man war against these intrusive devices. I am going to copyright my image (that is, my face) and announce it in either the Edinburgh or London Gazette. I will also announce my Fee Schedule which will punish those who infringe my copyright. Imagine: I go out shopping in Aberdeen, Manchester, or London, and I already know that my image is captured, on average, around 300 times in a day. I can, lawfully, and legally, march into any police station and demand to know whether my image has been catured or recorded. Once I have seen that they did in fact record me, I will slap a bill on the Super's desk and demand payment. I was thinking of charging £1 million per infringement. I only need to go "shopping" once a year to ensure that I live like the elite for the rest of my days. But the money is not the object of the mission. The mission is to get them all removed. Money, though, will be the enabler. All they think about is money, so money is what I shall demand. Huge great piles of it. Film stars copyright their images all the time, and we are all equal in the eyes of the law, so there is nothing to stop me from doing the same.

I can plan a tour. I can bankrupt as many police forces as it takes to get the CCTV menace out of our lives. I would not announce my tour dates, if I did, they would simply switch off their cameras. I need them to be on.

There is more than one way to defur a feline.

I may change my name to Major Chaos.

CR.